13 QUESTIONS WITH DICK SMOTHERS, JR.

We did it. We nailed down THE Dick Smothers, Jr and got him to answer some of our useless questions. Can you believe it? I mean, fucking Dick Smothers, Jr?

Now I know what you're thinking. You see the name 'Dick Smothers, Jr.' and you think to yourself, "who the fuck is THIS guy?" Well friends, let me tell you.

Dick is the son of Dick Smothers, who along with Tom Smothers, make up The Smothers Brothers, the legendary musical comedy duo who had their own television show in the 1960s, and now can be seen everywhere from 'Hollywood Squares' to ...Paducah, Kentucky. Dick Jr. also has a band, LETRIKDIK, but since that's not exactly tearing up the charts, he's taken to a career in pornography...You can see him in such wonderful productions as All About Sex, Bad Influence, or Something Wicked. Who better to throw a mess of stupid questions at than a rock musician-turned-adult performer?

Roll it, Andre...

SteveC: After trying for 21 years to break into show business, you've finally attracted some attention to yourself as an adult performer. How do you maintain the kind of tenacity it takes to keep plugging away for that long?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Realistically, although I may have been performing musically in professional venues for 21 years, to say that I’d been hammering away at a showbiz career for that long would be rather an overstatement. There was a continuous assault against the bastions of the Great Entertainment Industry. It was like, I’m sure, the way it is with a lot of guys who’re musicians. You have a project, you might manage to get some bites from shopping it, you don’t sell it, the guys quit, then the process begins again, often (in my case) after somewhat of a hiatus, depending upon my circumstances. For example, I moved to Vegas back in 93 because I was having too much trouble finding straight work to support myself in LA, plus my guys took a powder on me. I had a wretched time trying to get anything going when I was there. So, to get back to my point, there’s an example of a 3-year period during which, to be fair, I wasn’t trying to break into shit, just trying to keep my sanity and pay the bills.

SteveC: Given the "can-you-top-this?" extreme nature of the adult industry, what is Dick Smothers, Jr. going to do in this highly-volatile business to diiferentiate himself?

Dick Smothers, Jr: The part of the biz I’m involved in, adult features, isn’t marketed based upon the “one-upsmanship principle”. Targeting couples and women, primarily through cable TV, features compete by using well-known names, the best available actors, the best looking performers, high (for the biz) production value, etc. This part of the biz, rather than seeming volatile, strikes me as being quite static and de rigeur in its approach to creating and marketing product. However, as far as differentiating myself within this genre of the biz, I’ve found that I’ve been able to distinguish myself rather markedly through the name recognition I’ve managed to achieve in a very short time, my acting abilities which are, I can say with absolute certainty and all humility, among the best if not actually the best in the biz, and my looks, which are much better than the general public’s perceived image of male talent in the adult industry. Add to that the fact I’ve proactively sought and gained publicity and can acquit myself exceedingly well in any interview situation (hey, I held my own with Stern, for chrissakes!), I’d say that I’m packing some serious heat for a guy that does what I do. (Well, he's definitely articulate in his egocentricity, I'll give him that... and holding your own with Stern for one segment isn't going to win you any trophies, unfortunately...but it IS better than a lot of porno chicks seem to do in that setting.)

SteveC: You've said that your life's ambition is to be "The Orson Welles of Porn". Describe, if you would, your "Citizen Kane".

Dick Smothers, Jr: The guy was groping for a hook when he interviewed me. He was like, “Would you say you want to be the ‘King of Porn’? I need some kind of catchy thing here”, so after running a few by him, he decided he liked “The Orson Welles of Porn”. To be honest though, I think I’d rather have a lit cigar shoved up my nose that have to be a producer in this biz. The amount of bullshit and babysitting they have to do for what they wind up making ain’t worth it to me. Here’s my favorite nom-de-guerre, if you absolutely must know: The Brat Prince of Porn. You like that? Sort-of stole the idea from Anne Rice. (It's astonishing that a guy who reads Anne Rice novels is whipping his prick out on video. Maybe I'm just naive)

SteveC: Another rocker-turned-porn mogul, Matt Zane, dangled himself from meathooks during a music video to attract attention to his band SOCIETY 1. It didn't propel him to MTV stardom, but it DID get him a nice collection of scars on his back. Let's say for the sake of discussion, that a video director suggested that you harpoon your ass cheeks with a javelin and dangled six feet above the ground for a music video (all in the hopes of getting the folks at MTV to pay attention)... would you do it?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Like you need me to answer that. Actually, MTV isn’t the force in record sales it once was, so I wouldn’t worry about them. Fortunately for myself, my stuff is a lot more commercially accessible and far less potentially alienating than Zane’s stuff. You don’t hear shock value over the radio. Even Marilyn Manson has to write good songs for people to buy the record and for it to get airplay. And radio is still what sells records. (He's right, kids...so pay attention all you rock-stars-in-waiting. MTV ain't what it used to be... I'd still bet large sums of money of him punching holes in his ass-cheeks for airplay)

SteveC: In All About Sex, you play yourself, and you mention that your father is Dick Smothers, half of the Smothers Brothers. How long do you think you're going to be able to rely on the "my dad's 50% of the Smothers Brothers" gimmick before people stop caring?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Some guy writes a script, I read it, they pay me. Do I think anyone cares who my dad is? Not particularly. That hasn’t been what’s been getting me work, really. It’s my acting that’s gotten me into what are going to be some of the biggest releases next year (Paul Thomas’ Devil In Miss Jones and his film Emotion to name a couple). I did manage to get nominated for Best Actor/Video in the 2003 AVN awards, for what it’s worth. The whole key here was to take advantage of an existing association (blood-relation) with a known branded-entity (The Smo Bros) in order to establish brand recognition on my own, which I’ve managed to do. So the real key was to try and see if people could wind up being interested in me, which a number seem to have done and more seem to be doing as time goes on. (The 'Acting' thing still gets me. I have to go back and watch these DVDs again. I don't know if I buy the whole "I'm a great ACTOR in porn videos" thing)

SteveC: During a KSEX interview, you said some unflattering things about your first on-screen sexual partner, Mercedes Ashley, and that she sucked you off "like a whore that hates you!"....What exactly did this chick to fuck up something like a blow job, which is generally considered one of the BEST things ever created?

Dick Smothers, Jr: She artlessly, hastily and clumsily, without any finesse whatsoever, took my dick into her mouth and started sucking, as if she either didn’t know or didn’t care what feels good. Sorry, but we’re supposed to be pros in this business. If a girl in a porno flick doesn’t have a clue how to give good head, let alone even get the dick hard, then who the hell does? What’s this world coming to? (Ladies, let this be a lesson to you all...there IS such a thing as a bad blow job... ask your fella when you get home tonight... and promise to practice if he tells you that you suck...at sucking)


Someone gave HIM a bad BJ? I'm DOOMED then.

SteveC: Most walking-upright guys couldn't maintain an erection if they were bare-assed in a room full of other men with cameras, microphones, and lights, REGARDLESS of how hot the chick they're screwing is. How does Dick Smothers, Jr. maintain an erection while shooting a sex scene?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Focus. I need it quiet, number one, and I need the girl’s attention. It’s easy not to see the techs in the room, so if they can just shut the fuck up, (that includes rustling around) until we’re done, all I need is a girl who keeps her attention on me and I’m ok. If I can shoot all my hardcore first and go to pop, then come back and do all the soft, that helps too. (I think what he means is that he bangs first, blows his nut, and then goes back and does all the other pre-humping activity...that's the magic of editing!)

SteveC: Celebrity offspring generally aren't motivated to work very hard, because the parents tend to be extremely wealthy. You've said "My dad has no money and I want to do things that will make waves in the mainstream, so I can cash in." ... The Smothers Brothers play about 100 gigs a year to rubes across the country and make regular public appearances on shows like 'Hollywood Squares'. Your father also does corporate events, and owns a chunk of a winery in Sonoma Valley. How does that equal "no money"?

Dick Smothers, Jr: I was misquoted. I was asked by Stern if I was worried about being disowned and I replied that there was “nothing from which to be disowned (sic)”. My father not only makes substantially less now than he used to, but he did not make his money work for him when it was rolling in, nor did he squirrel large amounts of it away. Plus, he has certain financial “obligations” which also take a good chunk out of what he does manage to earn. So what we’re talking about is maybe a couple hundred K a year at most, no big retirement fund and no peripheral businesses that are earning for him. For someone that famous, someone who at one time made literally millions of dollars a year, that’s practically no money. Not to you or me, maybe, but I see stars who weren’t nearly as big as my old man who have significantly more to show for it.

SteveC: With a name like "Dick Smothers, Jr" you seem aptly named for a career in pornography. Describe if you would, your dick. Could you actually SMOTHER someone with it? Do you have a pet name for your penis, Mr. "Orson Welles of Porn"? Rosebud, perhaps?.

Dick Smothers, Jr: You wasted one of your 13 questions with that retarded drivel? (Absolutely, You see, we sent you FIFTEEN questions, so yes...we felt we could piss away one or two.)

SteveC: Hypothetical situation: You're offered the opening slot on your father and your uncle's upcoming tour, playing such magical locations as Branson, Missouri...Morristown, New Jersey... and Paducah, Kentucky. The tour lasts for six months, and you'll have to play their brand of happy-go-lucky music. You'll be paid $3000 a week for your trouble after your expenses are paid. However, you will have to agree in writing not to bang any of the rubes that show up at the shows and you can't show up at any strip clubs because it will tarnish the wholesome Smothers Brothers image. Do you take the gig, or tell the old man you'll pass?

Dick Smothers, Jr: I take the gig and fuck girls I meet at bars and hookers. Celebrities can get pussy anywhere, ask my old man. (I think I WILL...and I also think I want to be a celebrity just so I can go to Branson and mount some random chick)

SteveC: In which business is it more difficult to make money? The music business or the porn business? and why?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Music. Porn’s a production job, like a manufacturing plant. They’re always hiring, they need a constant stream of raw materials (i.e. “talent”). In order to make money in music you either need to be a working hired gun, (which is an extremely exclusive and competitive market, requiring a shitload of experience, talent and hard work), get signed either with a band or as an artist, to a label with some distribution that gives you some support (odds of that, 3,000,000 : 1), market your own recorded product and hope people like it enough to support you, or join a working cover band (those gigs are also highly sought-after and the competition is requisitely fierce). However, if you can manage to land a contract, which is what I’d most like to have happen, you can make a hell of a lot more money than in porn. Less work, too.

SteveC: You've been around a number of adult video sets, productions, etc. Obviously, when you're dealing with human bodies (especially naked ones), a variety of mishaps can occur. Someone can a stiletto heel to the nuts, a chick can take a load of jizz to the nose, or a restless bowel could act up during an anal scene (Aurora Snow told us about that one). What's the WORST thing you've ever witnessed while on a movie set?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Haven’t witnessed anything bad personally, but I have heard numerous complaints from a number of performers (and even non-performers) regarding the consistent vaginal discharge of a certain rather well-known girl. That grosses me out just hearing about it. Hey, I had a girl who was spending the night with me the other night fart a couple times in her sleep. She also farted on my dick while I was snuggled up behind her. Does that count? (Man, I have to remember not to have a mouthful of coffee the next time I do one of these... gets everywhere. Yes, farting on your dick counts. VAGINAL DISCHARGE?!?!?! Oh, come ON! You don't drop a bomb like that and not give a name! A shiny nickel to whoever knows who Dick's talking about!)

(Sexbagel stops touching himself in his happy parts long enough to ask a question...)
SteveC: Porn likes to mock what's in the mainstream. Would he ever do a porn that mocks the 'Smothers Brothers Variety Hour'? (You know, you play a song with the guitar and/or upright bass while getting blown)

Dick Smothers, Jr: I just can’t see anybody relating to it, it’s so old. The idea is to mock what’s in the mainstream now, as opposed to 30 years ago, although I just did a parody of Get Smart called Get Lucky. I don’t know, I just can’t see it having the same kind of hook as, say The Ozporns or The Sopornos or Ally McFeel, nome sane?

SteveC: You're 38 years old, and you've just broken through in porn, a business that's mostly dependent on younger performers. How many years do you think you can hang in as a performer?

Dick Smothers, Jr: Actually I’m 39 now. In case you hadn’t noticed, there are some pretty old guys in this biz. Most of the top guys seem to be my age or older (Dave Cummings is over 65, I think). Seems like a guy can work as long as his dick keeps getting hard. Fortunately, my bod’s in really good shape and chicks seem to think I got a pretty face. The girls may make more money, but the guys can have longer careers. Age doth seemeth more to be the bane of the fairer sex, sadly enow, in sooth. (Anyone get the impression this guy likes to show off his vocabulary? He's right though; guys in porn tend to be able to fuck until more hair is growing from their ears and noses than from their heads)

SteveC: Complete the following sentence to be used as an epitaph on your tombstone: "Dick Smothers, Jr. He was a Real ______" (Yeah, you can say 'Dick', but we'd certainly see that one coming a mile away)

Dick Smothers, Jr: Renaissance Man.

That was definitely an informative session, don't you think? No? Fine, suck it. We were humored, and that's all that counts. Dick is sending us a LETRIKDICK disc and video, so we should have that reviewed in the MUSIC SECTION soon.

For now, you can always:
CHECK OUT DICKJR.COM, DICK's OFFICIAL WEBSITE

AND CLICK HERE FOR A LIST OF ALL THE MOVIES DICK HAS BEEN IN