13 QUESTIONS WITH JOE LYNN TURNER

If you're at all familiar with classic rock, or rock music in general, and you're above the age of 21, the name JOE LYNN TURNER should ring a bell. He's fronted RAINBOW, DEEP PURPLE, as well as YNGWIE MALMSTEEN's band. He's also done well for himself singing commercial jingles on television. He's also just released HTP2, his latest collaboration with GLENN HUGHES, and is headed to Japan next month to tour behind it. Gone are the huge stadium gigs and million dollar royalty checks (yeah, right. Show me a million dollar royalty check and I'll show you my third nut), but stupid-ass website interviews are in abundance. Sit back, grease up your thighs, and grab a sandwich, and check out the 13 Questions with Joe Lynn Turner:

SteveC: You've teamed back up with Glenn Hughes and released your third project together, HTP2. The crowds aren't as big as they might have been with Deep Purple or Rainbow, and record sales aren't going to be buying you a new Bentley anytime soon. What keeps your creative juices flowing and keeps you motivated after decades? Is it the need to pay the bills? The thrill of playing live? Do tell...

Joe Lynn Turner: Because I love it. I have the same passion that I did when I started. The Bentleys and some of the other things were bought a long time ago and given away to ex wives. It’s really not about that it is about the passion and love of the music. I have put out 7 solo albums since I left Deep Purple and been a part of to many others since then to count. I absolutely love doing what I am doing.

SC: You and Glenn will be traveling to Japan in early February for half a dozen gigs. The backup band consists of Akira Kajiyama on Guitar, Toshio Egawa on Keyboards, and the one...the only...Yoshihiro Kudo on Drums. The Japanese work ethic is traditionally much stronger than that of anyone in the U.S. Do Japanese rockheads behave any differently than guys from the U.S. or from Europe, or are they as incoherent, and getting just as fucked up and laid as any other metal-playing knucklehead?

JLT: No they are still Japanese and they have an ethic and order about them. They are not perfect “saints” they do like to party a little but they are not as screwed up as we Americans are. It is the “ancient tradition” that keeps them in tow.

SC: Joe, being from New Jersey, I'm sure you're familiar with that all-night oasis of greasy, fat-filled joy, The 24-hour (or close to it) DINER. In your experience, which Jersey diners serve up the best post-drinking-binge feast, and which diner food will leave your colon crying and your ass vomiting up chunks for days on end?

JLT: Here are several! One of the best is the R.E.D. also known as The River Edge Diner… that was a favorite. The Arena…which is Greek (hell, most all of the diners ARE Greek) was always happening! The Park up the hill from where I live near Nutley is also good.

After a gig or a night of drinking and partying, any diner usually worked in Jersey depending on location. We’d normally go to the closest one to the gig. The Suburban on Route 17 was always a big hang and meet joint. One thing that always worked for me was The Florescent Light Test. If I picked up a chick and she looked hot in the dimly lit club and then took her to the diner where she still appeared do-able in the unflattering light they have going at those diners I knew she had a good chance of looking decent the next morning.

The Ultimate Grease Pit is the Tunnel Diner just outside the Lincoln Tunnel. Everything swims on your plate. Even an order of dry toast is greasy.

SC: You and KISS frontman Gene Simmons share one previous occupation in common; You were both teachers for a brief period. What did you teach, and do you ever regret leaving the profession (considering that after 20 or 30 years at that gig, you'd have great benefits, a solid pension...but obviously fewer groupies)? Think of all the nubile teeange girls you could stare at... (I said 'stare at'...not 'fondle'...although you can use your discretion on that one in certain states)

JLT: First of all discretion was out of the window. It has only entered my life the last decade. I taught English Lit but I was not tenured. I did it for a short period of time and it really cemented the fact that I did not want to teach these young bastards. As far as nubile girls…the ones I taught were the same ones who went to the concerts and clubs and dressed a little differently when they went out. They were NOT dressed for school in those situations. I decided (but not for that reason alone) that I’d rather be there then in school teaching.

SC: We hear you're an avid smut fan. So much so that when you travel, you won't stay in a hotel unless the room has adult movies available (which isn't hard considering how profitable Pay-Per-View has become). Let's say, just for shits and giggles, you're touring in Europe and the only porn they have available are German crapping videos (you know, the ones in which some chubby Kraut fires off a fiber-rich missile into some poor frau's mouth). You don't have any magazines with you, and there isn't a prostitute or strip club in sight. Do you plunk down the fifteen bucks for the crappy porn (pun intended) or can you do without?

JLT: First of all you are absolutely right. I would not go to hotel without a bar, room service and in-room movies. As far as the crapping videos----yep, I’ve seen ‘em!! First of all there are ALWAYS prostitutes just about anywhere in Germany. But I have seen the crap videos and I have no problem with them. I would absolutely plunk down the money to create an atmosphere…to sort of clean up the room…filter the room for the night if you know what I mean. On tour the big talk of the day is often what porn movies were good and what everyone recommended.

SC: You've toured all over the world, Joe. From your experience, which city in which country houses the best groupies (ie; you step off the plane and a dozen buxom beauties dive on your crotch), and which gals in which part of the world would you not waste a tranquilizer dart on?

JLT: Best groupies? In Spain the girls are gorgeous but it is too Catholic They want some but feel too guilty. Germany is always hot. Scandinavian women are over the top…they make you feel like another person they are that good. Denmark is also not bad. The USA was great when you are a rocker on top of the heap and part of a major tour.

Would not waste a tranquilizer dart on? Sure, there are some great ladies in the UK but if you want to know the place with the largest percentage of those types per square mile that would be England. We used to joke and say, “She’s not dead she’s English!”

SC: Hypothetical situation: You shhuffle into the kitchen after playing a show at a local club, and you reach for what you THINK is orange juice, but is REALLY liquid drain cleaner that some boneheaded plumber left out on the counter. In your groggy state, you slug down a glass of the stuff and within seconds you dissolve your vocal chords, effectively ending your singing career then and there. How is Joe Lynn Turner going to pay the bills after such an unfortunate mishap?

JLT: Prostitution. I want to be a male hooker on 10th Ave. Or better yet a gay male prostitute for quick money. Actually I would finish my Philosophy degree and make even less money. I have also been told by many people that I could sell anything to anybody so maybe I would just lie about how great Draino was and sell that!

SC: You and Glenn collaborated with STEVE VAI and Chad Smith of the Chili Peppers on HTP2, are there any newer artists (lke Fred Durst of Limp Bizkit or Tom Morello of Audioslave) who you haven't worked with that you'd like to work with?

JLT: Yeah Tom is a great guitar player and it would cool to work with. Fred Durst…I do not think there is much there. There really is not anyone from the current rock scene that blows me away.

SC: OK, now which musicians/singer/songwriters would you sooner bury in a Meadowlands swamp than collaborate with?

JLT: Probably lots. Too many to mention. There is an awful lot of crap out there that does not have “legs” at least in the rock industry. They should all sleep with the fishes…they should have a bunk next to Jimmy Hoffa.

SC: You've got a teenage daughter, so you're fairly well-exposed to the acts that are flooding the airwaves in 2003, the effects of internet piracy, and the complete consolidation of a once very-powerful industry. How do you feel about these companies imploding in on themselves? Sad? Ecstatic? "Rock Stars' are few and far between these days. Where do you see this business going in terms of its profitability?

JLT: I will break down my answer here. Internet Piracy? I think it is a definite sign of the times and I do not have a problem that it turns more people on to more artists. The issue I do have is that we are talking about intellectual property here and it should be regulated. If someone can steal something they will. That’s just human nature. I would rather have my music stolen if it is not going to put out properly by a record company and promoted extensively.

Imploding? I am ecstatic if you are talking about record companies. They shot themselves in the foot and deserve what they are getting. We (many artists) were never treated ethically then and aren’t now. I feel these companies got what they deserved.

Where is it going? Times are changing. We never got legitimate accounting from record companies before. Why would it change now!!..and these days cds have a lot of filler songs on them. So the buy one track at a time idea seems extremely plausible to me...it’s going to change the whole structure of the deals that artists make!

SC: Hypothetical situation: You're sitting at home having a quiet dinner with your family, when your daughter pipes up and very matter-of-factly asks you "Daddy, is it true that you slept with strange women backstage at your concerts?" You can do one of the following:
A) Say "yes honey, Daddy did a lot of wild stuff when he was a kid" and spill the beans about your past.
B) Fake a heart attack and crash headlong into the mashed potatoes.
C) Hit her with a breadstick and pretend like nothing happened.

What's it going to be?

JLT: None of the above. It has already happened. Backstage at a recent Good Charlotte show (she loves GC) she was acting young and screaming. I told her she was acting like a groupie and explained what groupies are. She said, "Who are you to talk, you had groupies!" I just buried my head and walked away from the gathering crowd. I’m sure the worst is yet to come...its payback time!!! She totally gets it now and completely understands the groupie thing.

SC: Word has it that you were VERY popular among the female radio personalities back in the day (you topped quite a few of the "I'd like to bang THIS guy" lists). While some women in radio are messes (and that's why they do radio to begin with), there are a number of hotties behind the mic. Which female jocks were deserving of the JLT hot beef injection, and which ones fell off the ugly tree one too many times?

JLT: My media relations person tells me that I had a reputation for really making women in radio or on TV feel comfortable and good about themselves no matter what they looked like. If that’s true that is very cool! There were many attractive ones but I cannot remember their names. As for the ugly ones, I definitely cannot remember their names either. Don’t forget the video VJs…they were rocking! MTV’s Nina Blackwood had that seductive Goldie Hawn thing going and Martha Quinn was sexy in that “girl next door” way. I’ll be on VH1 Classic co-hosting some segments very soon and both Amy Scott and Lynn Hoffman there are nice looking ladies. It’s not always a good thing to kiss and tell...believe me ..it can be very expensive in the long run!

SC: The opening riff in "Revelation" on the new HTP2 disc sounds very Audioslave-ish. Have you ever considered leaking a track to radio without telling them that an old fart is singing it just to see how rock radio reacts?

JLT: Very good question! Absolutely because many radio programmers have their heads up their asses or have become corporate puppets that have their playlists dictated to them by “the head office” somewhere. In fact things like that have happened where this song has been played to professionals in the industry, they rave about it and when they find out is a bunch of old farts like Glenn and I they suddenly lose interest. We have all thought about that one. It just goes to show you it’s not about quality...its about marketabilty to the younger buying public!

SC: If you could erase one album (or if that's too much, how about one SONG) from your musical career, which one do you wish you'd never released/written?

JLT: Great question again! I have no regrets. I bare it all for all to see. Even the bad stuff has merit. There is nothing I am ashamed of. Even if some people say it sucked I am not embarrassed by it. My life and work is pretty much an open book...soiled pages and all! My father used to say that, "A man who doesn’t make mistakes makes nothing"...and he’s right!

Alright, two 'Great' Questions and eleven or so 'not so great' ones. I guess they all can't be gold. He gave some great answers though, didn't he? I like what he has to say about record companies. The sad thing is that Joe's response to those questions is typical these days. Perhaps I'll stop by some of those diners he mentioned and give my lower intestine a test drive. Nothing like a post drinking-binge feast followed by a few hours on the crapper.

For Joe's complete discography and tour dates, visit his official website at JoeLynnTurner.com

Thanks so much to Lisa at To The Max for hooking us up with Joe!