13 QUESTIONS WITH FORMER ALICE COOPER GUITARIST, KANE ROBERTS

A few weeks ago, we received a link to KaneRoberts.com, the official website of the presumed-dead Kane Roberts. Well, ok... maybe not "presumed dead", but he did drop off the face of the earth for a while. Kane was ALICE COOPER's guitarist during the latter half of the 1980s. He co-wrote the tracks on 'Constrictor', 'Raise Your Fist And Yell', and 'Trash'...and was commonly referred to as "The Rambo of Rock" because of his penchant for bodybuilding and a custom flamethrower guitar shaped like an M-60 machine gun. Kane also appeared briefly in the films Shocker, Prince Of Darkness, and The Sleeper. He also tried his hand at a solo career, but ultimately decided to drop out of the music business for a while and headed off into a totally different direction, programming video games and being a graphic artist. At one point, word spread that Kane had actually passed away... not that it was front page news, but shit... the guy didn't die. So, we hit him up to see if he would answer some questions about music, movies, video games, and jerking off, and he obliged. Here's what it looked like:

Steve C: After dropping out of the music business for a while, and getting into the game programming and graphic arts business, you've decided to release a brand new disc, "Touched". Why, in this turbulent time of record company consolidation and shrinking revenues in the music business, do you want to step back into the ring? ... or is this just one of those things you're doing just for the hell of it?

Kane Roberts: I'm releasing this disc because I want to. I was fortunate enough to have the time to write and record so I did and i get enuff requests for new recordings to make it available.

SC: Considering CDs cost about ten bucks each (now) and video games can cost upwards of sixty bucks each...and both can cost millions to develop... Do you think it's more difficult to have a hit record or a hit video game?

KR: If you give a shit enough about releasing a project it will get done. It really is that simple.


Can you imagine, there's a record company guy somewhere who thought this was a GOOD idea?

SC: Kip Winger played bass on Alice Cooper's Constrictor and Raise Your Fist And Yell back in the day. Was he doing the whole ballet thing back then, too? Would he pirouette and prance about the studio while you all recorded?

KR: Yes, we all did. It was the bees knees. (I knew it!! Prancing about the studio in leotards! See? He admitted it!)

SC: You had this very "Rambo of Rock" image back in the 80's...While your peers were noodling away in the woodshed learning scales, you were in the gym bulking up and having custom machine gun guitars made. Obviously, the theatrics played a great part in Alice Cooper's show (hence the blowing-shit-up-with-your-guitar thing), but was there ever a point at which you got a little envious of the other shredders who were playing a mile a minute?

KR: Yeah...I tried to play that fast but I got a bloody nose and it didn't sound so good either. There was a band "Speed racer" or "Street Legal" or something with a guy named Paul I think on guitar. Man he played fast. I always thought if someone could get Yngwie to say his name backwards three times he'd disappear. (Ah, that would be RACER X, with Paul Gilbert...and the Yngwie trick does work, but you have to get him to stop talking about himself long enough to get a word in edgewise...so far, no one's been able to)


'Paul Gibert has NOTHING on me! Grrrrr!'

SC: You programmed a PC game called "Lordz of Tantrazz" for Atlantean Interactive, for which you and Alice Cooper contributed voice talent. Where can we get a copy of this snazzy-titled game?

KR: Its soooooo out of print...Atlantean Games (a branch of the porno king Vivid Video) put it out so an internet search might be useful. I remember I walked in the place and Janine, Chasey Lain and some other porn stars were there. When I was talking to them I kept thinking how many times I'd jerked off to their videos so I don't think I made any sense.

SC: I've read that you received three callbacks for the role of the T-1000 in Terminator 2. What exactly is the audition process like for a liquid metal terminator?.. and if you had to guess, why do you think Cameron went with the lankier, less-bulky Robert Patrick?

KR: On the first audition I read some lines and split. Then I got a callback and had to read different lines for different people. Finally I had to put on some cop gear and then walk up to a door and say I was looking for John Connor. The last audition was on film. It's strange...I was suddenly doing film stuff ("Shocker" "Prince of Darkness" "The Sleeper") and then suddenly I wasn't.

SC: A number of things can go wrong with pyrotechnics (especially when you do things like blow off sparklers in a sprinkler-less club in front of 300 people). What was the worst experience (on stage or off) you ever had with that flamethrower/machinegun guitar of yours?

KR: On one of the european tours my guitar tech couldn't find explosive charges until a few hours before the show at Wembley Arena. The stage was 40 feet wide so we had a lot of room to act cool. At the end of my solo I pulled the trigger on my gun guitar (ho boy) and the flames shot about 20 feet in the air. I noticed Alice at the other end of the stage and so, me being a genius and all, I pointed it at him. I heard a loud clank sound and this fireball thing shot out of the flame and hit Alice. The crowd loved it but...well I did too (so did Alice). (Heh...Alice Cooper on fire = funny)


Gak Gak Gak...50 Caliber! That crutch flamethrower is fucking funny

SC: Hypothetical situation: One night, you receive a call from Gene Simmons, who has been surfing the web, and came across some of your artwork. He offers you the opportunity to work on the next series of KISS comic books, which he tells you will be distributed worldwide and consumed by legions of adoring fans. However, his offer stipulates that you must be on call 24 hours a day, seven days a week (just in case he gets a brainstorm on a weekend), and the job will pay roughly $35 grand for what will most likely take you six months. Do you take the gig (which may or may not result in some decent exposure) or tell moneybags to find someone else?

KR: I'd get the money up front. Gene's the funniest dude. The coolest thing ever was writing "Take It Off" with Paul Stanley and Bob Ezrin (Pink Floyd, Kiss Alice Janes Addiction). I remember going to Paul's house to write and thinking what a great guy. When I heard the record I was freaked out that KISS recorded one of my songs. Paul and Gene and Bob Ezrin...tough guys but real pros.

SC: You were a touring musician during the heyday of spandex and hairspray-wearing, sluts-on-the-bus, cock-rock... and even though Cooper's audience isn't really the same that would be showing up at DEF LEPPARD shows (all chicks, that is), there is some spillage. Describe, if you would, the most outlandish groupie-related scene you ever witnessed while on tour?

KR: Well...I hung out BEFORE the show at the venues we played. Then you have the locker room or dressing room etc to do what you will with the women on hand. I had sex with two hotties at the hockey rink in Calgary. I thought later that I banged a couple of girls in the same locker room where Gretzky and Theoren Fleury had been and were going to be. Wait... that sounds kinda lame doesn't it? Ummm one night Kip Winger and I had seven naked girls in one of the hotel rooms. That was pretty wild I guess. No? Hmmmm maybe the wildest time was jerking off to a Chasey Lain video....I don't know. (Anyone else get the sense that Kane masturbates a lot? Not that there's anything WRONG with jerking off. Touching yourself is fun. The Kip Winger bit is interesting, though. Someone get Kip on the phone)

SC: Were there ever any occasions where Kane Roberts ever woke up in a hotel room next to some fleshy behemoth, and thinking "Who the hell is this mammoth, and why is she naked?"

KR: I know why she's naked but yes, happens all the time. (Wow. You'd think he'd learn after a few mornings like that)


Kane Roberts and a fat chick...oh shit, my bad. That's Axl.

SC: Hypothetical Situation #2: You're in the kitchen, about to make yourself a delicious banana/strawberry/protein smoothie, and while your back is turned, the spirit of an executed murderer possesses your blender and savagely attacks you. You manage to smash the blender to bits, but your hands have been severely mangled...hindering, if not eliminating, your ability to draw, type, or play guitar again....ever. How is Kane Roberts going to pay the bills?

KR: First I'd sue the makers of the blender. Currently, I've co-written and produced a short film EMBRYO thats playing internationally and we've won a bunch of awards with the thing. We're hoping to do a feature soon etc. (I wonder if he caught the not-even-remotely-subtle Shocker reference...)

SC: Let's say, for the sake of argument, that you're teaching a guitar clininc somewhere in the Midwest United States. You're sitting in front of a room full of aspiring rock musicians. One starry-eyed young fella asks you "Mr. Roberts, what advice can you empart to someone who really wants to be a famous rock and roll musician"... You can belt out one of the following responses. Which one is it?
a) Follow your heart, kid. Even if you have to eat Cheerios three times a day, it'll be worth it if you're doing what you love to do.
b) Learn a trade and give up on the music business! Go and study how to become a plumber. The world needs more plumbers!
c) Move to Europe or Japan. At least you'll have more than a snowball's chance in Hell of making a living with music.

KR: First of all...the thought of me at a music clinic is fucking funny. But the answer is A.

SC: If the Swedes ever started giving out Nobel Prizes for video games, which programmers of which game should be smothered in praise and glory?

KR: Well....right now Hitman 2 is a top contender. GTA Vice City of course and props must be given to the Atari/Intellivision/Turbographix geniuses. BUT there is a hockey game out now that KICKS ASS! NHL Hitz Pro...unreal.

SC: OK, now which game do you think should be banned from creation, and its programmers hanged upside-down from their penises and lowered into a pit of angry gorillas?

KR: Tetris because it was the most addictive algorithm ever and it created serious brain damage along with carpel tunnel syndrome. (secretly i loved it tho)

Now that wasn't too shabby, was it? Kane isn't working out so much these days, so he's about a hundred pounds lighter than he was back in the day. Nice to see he's got a good sense of humor about all the antics that went down in the late 80's... and I still can't get over the thing with the prancing and the pirouetting... whodathunkit?

You can check out his new disc, 'Touched' right here

Also, you can preview his new movie EMBRYO online... Pretty bad ass site, too.