13 QUESTIONS WITH COMEDIAN JIM NORTON

We tried to pin down the ever-so-mushy JIM NORTON for months to do a piece for the site, but he kept wiggling his meaty little arse away from us. FoundryMusicHammer has been trying to get this interview done for the longest time. Understandably, Jimmy's a busy guy, what with all the LIVE STAND-UP GIGS, working on TOUGH CROWD WITH COLIN QUINN...and masturbating, but he finally sat down long enough to answer some of our questions. FMHammer asked a bunch, his wife even got in on the action, and I asked a few. Jim handled them all like the gentleman and (alleged) pedophile that he is.

...Andre',roll the ugliness.

- Steve



Note From FoundryMusicHammer: This interview should have gone down months ago. I started having problems with my tape recorder and other technical problems arose. We postponed the phone interview for awhile. Jim had the questions and went ahead to email answers back to me. It won’t be as drawn out as the nearly word for word Jason Newsted interview I did. Get ready to laugh a little again people!

I always think Hammer’s going to go easy on people, so I try to ask slightly more obnoxious questions…of course, I forgot this was Jim I was asking the questions to…and he fucking devoured them…

FoundryMusicSteve: You’ve been fairly open about your willingness to sleep with relatively unattractive women. Was there any time in particular that you really regretted sleeping with a woman because she was just So malformed or misshapen?

Jim Norton: Yes, when I was 20 I slept with a girl who looked like a cross between Paula Poundstone and a burn victim. She was absolutely awful and her cunt smelled like the West Shore Expressway on Staten Island. She gave me crabs on top of it, and to show you how hard up I was, I fucked her a week later and caught them again. Absolutely true.

FMS: When it comes to prostitutes, how much is too much? What’s the most money you’ll pay for sex?

JN: I will never go higher than $300, and even that is pushing it. Although, if a gal is willing to drop a Howie Long forearm-sized log on my chest? I will gladly toss in a fine tip.

FMS: Hypothetical situation: A major broadcast television network gives you a million dollar deal to develop a sitcom. The only restrictions are these:
1) No AIDS jokes.
2) No jokes about killing/brutalizing women (no matter how much they deserve it)
3) No hooker jokes.
What’s your sitcom about?

JIM NORTON: It’s about a mediocre little man with dangling, mushy tits and a chin the size of a hummingbird knuckle. He works as a hospital orderly, and every week he farts into the mouth of a different invalid. Evan from Joe Millionaire makes a guest appearance and teabags the mediocre little man until he does a sit up. The show will probably be called, “Honey, I know my cock smells like cotton candy and feces, let me explain…”

FMS: How much was your biggest comedy-related paycheck for, and what did you spend the money on?

JIM NORTON: Seventy-five dollars and I gave I to a big-backed young lady to kiss me on the hepatitis dispenser.

FMS: In the past, you have spoken about your desire to have women urinate on you during sex. Would you ever consider letting a woman (or man) take a heaving dump on your chest during sexual intercourse?

JIM NORTON: I believe I alluded to that earlier but allow me to elaborate. I would only allow it if I had taken her to lunch and she avoided coffee, chili and shots of wheat grass. Also, I would have to have saran wrap on my face (a.k.a. the Dignity Saver). And to keep the mood sexy, I would forbid her to giggle or read the sports page while we engaged in the festivities. Under these circumstances, I feel a nice tapered lesson could be squeezed onto my torso with stunning results.

FoundryMusicHammer had his wife ask a few questions…It’s always nice to see Norton’s reaction to the fairer sex…at a distance…

FoundryMusicHammer’sWife: Do you still have Hello Kitty stuff in your apartment?

JIM NORTON: No, those things belonged to my roommate’s girlfriend. I have my own place now, and have replaced them with used boys sweat socks and Sponge Bob videos.

FMHW: Did you finally buy a comforter for your bed yet?

JIM NORTON: Yes, although it was incredibly hard to find one that would go well with seamen and blood.

FMHW: Did you get a housekeeper?

JIM NORTON: I occasionally have Asians come in and clean my apartment while I lob pebbles at their crooked eyes.

FMHW: Are you dating anyone yet?

JIM NORTON: I am not, but I will occasionally allow Rich Vos to slip his baby fingers into my anus while I masturbate.

After letting his wife hit a few, FoundryMusicHammer steps up to the plate…

FoundryMusicHammer: Talk to Paul Mercurio lately?

JIM NORTON: Who?

FMH: Are you originally from the tri state area?

JIM NORTON: Yes, I grew up in New Jersey. Whenever Bruce Springsteen sings, “Jersey Girl”, I get damp because I feel like he’s singing it to me.

FMH: How did you get hooked up with the TV show Tough Crowd hosted by Collin Quinn? (JOKE: You’ve been friends? One quick blow is all it took?)

JIM NORTON: I have a photo of Colin servicing a tranny on a linoleum floor.

FMH: Are you a writer for the show?

JIM NORTON: No, I am just considered a regular performer.

FMH: Is Tough Crowd like a pilot for Comedy Central. They want to see if people watch first?

JIM NORTON: From what I understand, he’s been picked up for 21 weeks.

FMH: Jim Breuer is set to do a show soon. Will you get involved with that?

JIM NORTON: I have not heard about it, but would love to, or supply his pot at the very least.

FMH: Do you miss being on O & A?

JIM NORTON: No, why would I miss being on a hit radio show where I actually got laid? I’d much rather languish in obscurity again, selling out theater shows sucked, I prefer being a total zilch.

FMH: Have you ever done Premium Blend for Comedy central? Will you ever?

JIM NORTON: I have and it was magical.

FMH: How is it being a big movie star? Spiderman…

JIM NORTON: Terrific. New doors are opening all of the time. I was contacted by the producers of the new Incredible Hulk film; they were interested in having me play the bulge in the front of his pants. Due to prior obligations and a snuff film trial in Amsterdam I had to gracefully decline.

FMH: Any other roles in the works?

JIM NORTON: Currently rehearsing for a new play I am in. I play one of the first T-cells to abandon ship in The Arthur Ashe Story.

FMH: Who gave you your start in comedy?

JIM NORTON: A man named Pat Gaynor was the first guy to ever put me onstage, at the Varsity Pub in New Jersey. Also, Ward and John Magnuson of Rascals by the shore were very instrumental in my early development.

FMH: Who is your favorite comedian of all time, dead or alive & Why?

JIM NORTON: Richard Pryor, and the reason is simple; he was the best.

FMH: What took you so long to do a “live” CD?

JIM NORTON: Because basically I have the work ethics of a quadriplegic Mexican.

FMH: Did you ever have any other releases out that we might not know about? FYE at least had a name card for you when I was in Woodbridge Center, NJ a year ago.

JIM NORTON: What’s FYE? Does it have anything to do with that pesky Meghan’s Law?

FMH: Who will be releasing the CD? What Co?

JIM NORTON: I am not sure, haven’t gotten that far yet.

FMH: Will it be a double live with enhanced stuff on it? Like that game bobbing for mule…

JIM NORTON: No, just a single, pathetic CD.

FMH: Rumor has it that you are going to do some writing for FoundryMusic? Is it true and what will you rant about?

JIM NORTON: If I do I will probably write exclusively about Steve’s stomach staples and why I wish to rub my ball bag on them.

FMH: Do you feel the internet has helped your career at all? Having a website and all…

JIM NORTON: The Internet has helped me by showing me animal fucking videos. It puts me at ease to know that not only can I catch salmonella, but chances are some European monkey fucked my dinner before it hit the slaughter house.

FMH: How do you like your women?

JIM NORTON: I prefer a gal to be over 400 pounds with nervous tics and a prosthetic clit.

FMH: Did you happen to get that new Rhino records release of the original Black Sabbath Symptom Of The Universe 1970-1978? It has a sweet 50 page booklet and outer case. “Evil Woman” is one of the lost tracks.

JIM NORTON: No, but I would LOVE to get my hands on that. “Evil Woman” was a cover song they did, and from what I hear Ozzy hated it. Great song though.

FMH: When is your CD coming out?

JIM NORTON: Hopefully soon. Tussleable Opie is producing it, so whenever he and his blond locks get moving I will have an idea.

FMH: Are you touring now? And any other tour plans are few small clubs? How far have you taken the comedy live. Just in the USA? What was the weirdest memory you have being out and about?

JIM NORTON: I am doing some Improvs, Florida, Pittsburgh, etc. Just trying to stay busy. I have worked Canada, but I have never done Europe and have no desire to. I hate that old world shithouse and will never go there. The weirdest memory may be when I was very new to comedy; a girl was rubbing my leg and cock under the table. It was my first taste of anything sexual as a result of performing. Nothing else happened, although I was jerking off on the way home in the backseat while Jim Florentine drove and Bob Levy sat in the passenger seat. They yelled at me and I put it away.

FMH: How do you feel about New York comedy? Is it getting better as in doing clubs… Are there any new hopefuls out there in your eyes?

JIM NORTON: New York comedy is great, although there are a bunch of shitty comics in NYC too, just like everywhere else in the country. I don’t know about any up and comers, I don’t watch comics.

FMH: What was the best room you played and your favorite show you played?

JIM NORTON: My favorite shows were probably Town Hall in NYC, the Orpheum in Boston and the Tower Theater in Philly. Having that many people there to see me was fucking amazing. Nice to be able to say, “Cunt” whenever I feel it’s needed.

FMH: How was it going up on that Madison Square Garden stage?

JIM NORTON: It was surreal. For twenty minutes I was alone on the same stage that Kiss, Black Sabbath and Led Zeppelin had performed on. Was also nice after the show to be home alone again masturbating; brought me right back down to reality. Feel good for a little while then wake up and realize, “Yup, you’re still Jim Norton, shithead.”

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