Steve Speaks Postings for December 2004
NEW YEAR'S BLOGGIN' EVE
Posted: Sunday, December 31, 2006
Ehh, cheesy title for a blog, I know...but as we barrell into 2007, I'm finding myself sticking to old routines and comfortable habits; working incessantly being the most obvious one of those habits.
It used to be when I would get nervous, angry, tired or bored, I would eat compulsively. That's a good way to get yourself to tip the scales at 400 lbs, which I did. Now that I'm all stapled and working out obsessively, I don't head to the fattening foods as much (still eat constantly...just smaller meals, picking at 'em like a fucking bird all day). For a short while, I was drinking out of boredom. That's an even DUMBER idea, because it just ruins you physically and increases the urge to drunk dial people and say horrible shit. Did I mention I'm a grumpy drunk? Yeah, me and booze is just a recipe for disaster. What I do now to combat anxiety is work. I just sit myself in front of my computer and clunk away, hoping that it's all going to pay off with some kind of cash windfall that it's just around the corner.
Wishful thinking, I know.
I am hoping that one of a few new endeavors takes the place of all this obsessive working, but I'm skeptical. On the one hand, I would love to get my hands into something new, but on the other, I don't want to relinquish what I have worked so hard for. I think it's time to start bringing on board some help to this big bitch of a website. I think I need to bring on some more trusting people. For someone like me, who doesn't let anyone in, and whose personal mantra has, up to this point, included sayings like "don't trust anyone" and "do it all yourself", it's not easy to admit that I need help. Here I am though, admitting that I need it.
Where was I going with that? I have no idea. I started out talking about working non-stop, and then migrated toward an admission to needing help with the site. Well, regardless.. it's New Year's Eve. I'm sure I'll be in bed at 9pm or so, because I need to prepare for the return to work on Tuesday morning, bright and early. Who gives a shit about watching a glass ball drop in times square anyway? Not me. No sir. Not one bit.
Emotion(s) while posting: anxious
Posted by stevec
at 8:01 AM
CRAVING SLEEP...NOT GETTING IT.
Posted: Saturday, December 30, 2006
I've been on vacation... well, let's call it 'vacation' for two weeks now, and I have yet to get myself back on some kind of normal sleep schedule. I guess that's what happens when you spend two-plus years conditioning yourself to wake up at 3am every day.
I'm waking up every morning around 4am, mind racing, thinking of 100 things I need to get done, haven't done, should have done better, etc... and wishing to God I could stop my brain. Boring movies don't help. Work obviously is a good way to focus on something else, but if I get going with work, I wind up throwing myself into it for three or more hours before even realizing how long I've been at it.
Maybe one day I'll find time to relax, but for now, I remain frantic, manic, and all around anxious.
Emotion(s) while posting: frustrated
Posted by stevec
at 9:48 AM
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SIS...
Posted: Thursday, December 28, 2006
December 28th, 2006. Today would have been my sister's 28th birthday. WOULD have been, yeah. Sometimes I try to think about what she would have been like had she made it passed 17 years of age. Hell, it would have been cool if she could have made it to 18; that's a benchmark in an of itself, but I guess it wasn't in the cards.
I never know how I'm SUPPOSED to feel today. For the first couple of years after Sara died, it's all sadness. You know, every major holiday, birthday, celebration, whatever... is sad, because you miss your kid sister. The ONE person who you thought would be there for you as you grew up and attempted to navigate life isn't around anymore, so you default to sadness most of the time. I don't know about other people in this situation (no, I'm not so self-important to assume I'm the only one in this boat), but for the next few years following her death, I defaulted to rage. Rage is easy sometimes. For me, it is, anyway. You just spend the whole day pissed off...then you go out of your way to make sure everyone around you is as miserable as you are. Not the best way to gain sympathy, I realize, but like I said... rage was always easy for me.
Today, ten years later... I think I might have it down to a science. I know I have to go to the cemetery, and bring her a flower on her birthday. I know I SHOULD go to church and light a candle, but I'm not ready for that. With all due respect, fuck God. If you're such a nice guy, why did you have to take MY sister? Go after someone who really deserved to die, not my 17 year-old sister. Asshole. Don't go looking for donations. Heh, there's that rage again. Maybe after the cemetery, I can make a list of all the people who have done me wrong lately, and go after their lower backs with an aluminum bat. Yeah, that would certainly make 'em miserable.
When you're an older brother (or older sibling in general), there's this overwhelming feeling of protectiveness you feel over your younger siblings, so God forbid you lose that sibling... to a fucking drug overdose of all things... you feel like a real failure for not being able to see it coming or stop it. I know I did. I know I do. Every year. I guess I just miss my sister. It would have been nice to call her up on her birthday.
Ugh, this was 'supposed' to be cathartic. It's 2am, and I'm not feeling very much relieved of anything. Maybe there's a shitty movie on HBO that'll put me to sleep.
Emotion(s) while posting: depressed
Posted by stevec
at 2:11 AM
SLEEP. WHAT IS IT? HOW CAN I GET SOME?
Posted: Wednesday, December 27, 2006
I'm a week in to a holiday vacation, and my sleep schedule is still fucked. I shouuld have been passed out this morning, but NOOOOOOOOOOOO. My ass was up at 3am, at the crack of ass, and I was at my desk editing video, approving photos for RateMyWOW, and generally doing all the shit I would normally do if I was working. I get antsy when I'm not being productive. Like REALLY antsy. I start loathing my unproductive ass and I start yelling at myself to get things done. The one plus is that I was able to get up and get to the gym early. I'm much happier working out at 6am instead of at 3pm. I like getting the gym out of the way early when my mind is fresh, and not bogged down with a day's worth of bullshit. I get a lot more accomplished and I'm not totally distracted with a hundred things I need to get done.
Sometimes I wish I could get back to being on a normal sleep and work schedule, but then I think about all of the headaches that go along with that:
1) commuter traffic in and out of NYC.
2) not being able to get things done after work, because I'm too damn tired...and everyone else is trying to get them done.
3) other people. Yeah, I'm kind of antisocial. I'm working on that, but it's a process.
Yesterday...you know, since I was UP... i figured I would paint my office. I picked out a cool dark gray paint, got all the brushes, drop cloths, and tape, and started. I have about 1 1/2 walls done, and I have realized...that I SUCK at painting. I've hit the ceiling with gray paint at least six times, and dripped more paint on my hardwood floors than I would have liked to. I'm going to finish though. Even though I may have to go back and repaint the fucking ceiling, I'm going to finish. My life has been plagued with way too many instances of starting something and not following through, so I'm going to knock this one out.
Fuck, I wish I could go back to sleep. Nope. Not today. I gots me an office to paint.
Emotion(s) while posting: anxious
Posted by stevec
at 7:56 AM
MERRY F-ING CHRISTMAS!
Posted: Monday, December 25, 2006
Well, it's Christmas, and if you're not just waking up and unwrapping presents with the family, you're in the car, maybe with the wife and kids, off to some relative's house to engage in some holiday cheer. I'm about to start the whole process myself, but my workaholic ass just HAD to settled down in front of my computer and update this beast of a website one more time before enjoying some much-deserved time off. Well, that and I just HAD to see the WINGER version of 'Silent Night'. Dear lord, how cheesy.
I also had to check out the Christmas Tribute from the FOUNDRY CAMS girls one more time. Where the hell do they grow these chicks anyway? heh, I should probably know the answer to that one.
I don't know why it's happening today of all days (perhaps it's the free time -- allowing me too much room to dwel on shit), but I'm getting awfully reflective these past few days. Regardless, I think I've hit upon a few things that have been bugging me.
1. Am I a Grinch? Somewhere along the line, maybe a few years ago, I gained a reputation for being a really miserable bastard, who hated all of the people surrounding the radio show he works for and who visit the site he maintains. I honestly don't remember how it started, but I know I went along with it. I really shouldn't have. The fact is, I don't hate everyone. Sure there are a few people whose teeth I'd like to kick in, but who doesn't have a short list like that? Hating people takes too much energy. I really should make more of an effort to not present myself as such a grump, because I don't like being perceived as such.
2. Do I work too much? Often to the exclusion of my family and loved ones? Simple answer. Yes. I can only imagine the trail of busted relationships I've left in my wake because I have refused to pick my head up long enough to enjoy what I've accomplished or earned. This is going to be a tough habit to break. I didn't get where I am by just doing enough to get by.
3. eh, there is no 3. Maybe there is, but it's Christmas and I've clunked away long enough at this.
Happy Holidays everyone!
Posted by stevec
at 1:37 PM
THE NEW FOUNDRYMUSIC.COM
Posted: Friday, December 22, 2006
I can't tell you how fucking psyched I am that we're finally getting FoundryMusic all snazzed up and moved into the 21st century...finally. Took long enough, right?
Jeff and I have made a bunch of friends in this business over the past nine years, and we asked all of them what kinds of changes we needed to implement to make this site (and sister sites) even more of a presence. After one year of researching, surfing, and trial and error, we had a list of over 300 changes we needed to make, and as you can see...they're all coming together now.
FoundryMusic is going to become more of a community, more of a fun experience, and yes... much easier to navigate. We cleaned up a lot of the clutter and made shit very easy to find. Now if you can't find what you're looking for, I suggest you find an optometrist... or a handgun dealer. It just might be your time to go.
Emotion(s) while posting: anxious
Posted by stevec
at 5:57 PM
STUPID EMAIL FOR 12/31/2004
Posted: Friday, December 31, 2004
It's the FINAL day of 2004, and what better way to close out the year than with a contribution to the Stupid Email file. This one comes to us from across the pond; from the UK specifically. This woman was obviously searching for headlines about the DIMEBAG DARRELL murder and came across Foundrymusic.com in her search. Like so many before her, she feels the need to criticize the advertising on this site, which apparently she feels is a little...degrading.
Stupid Email:
I’m curious. Why is it that your site is so derogatory to women when the links I put in to find out info on Dimebag Darrell’s death led me to your site?! There are a lot of women into metal that would probably end up here and be nothing but disgusted, upset and appalled with the way you “advertise” so revoltingly. This should be on a separate site, not linked to music that doesn’t really deal with misogyny on levels such as yours. Your porn should be linked with rap and hip-hop, not metal.
I’m so disappointed that you’re actively encouraging this. No wonder women on the street get attacked, its because of sites like yours. If men see your blatant female exploitation, they’re more than likely to over-extend this idea and assume that all women are “available”.
You should except your responsibility. Men are supposed to protect, not exploit. .
Response to Stupid Email:
Ma'am, before I launch into a multi-pronged tirade about how much I don't give a shit about what you think, let me just say that I am impressed that your search on Dimebag's murder led you here. That means that Jeff, my programmer, did an excellent job coding this website and making it search engine-friendly. You're over there. We're over here. You found us. Yay Jeff!
Now, to address your comments about how mysoginistic we are. Lady, I don't know where you hang out or who you hang with, but I am going to go out on a limb and guess that you associate with a rather mannish, feminist bunch. How would you feel if I intruded upon YOUR little social group and demanded more male-friendly posters be hung on the wall, or more photos of topless women be displayed during your meetings? You'd say "You weren't invited, now buzz off". I'm saying the same to you. This wabsite is primarily male-focused, and while we DO have a lot of female fans here, they all understand what we're about and where our heads are at. YOU, madam, obviously do not share the same mindset as the overwhelming majority of our users, and probably shouldn't be here to begin with. So to you I say "Fuck off", and "We don't need you here".
As for the advertisements, I think they're quite funny. We have worked very hard to ensure that the banner ads we display are non-pornographic (visually) and try to make them funny. If you don't understand them and/or like them, then again I say "Fuck off".
You mention: "Your Porn should be linked to rap and hip-hop"? are you fucking insane? You think rappers and hip-hop artists are the only people who like looking at naked ladies? You don't think that 20 years ago, there weren't scantily-clad women in EVERY SINGLE HARD ROCK VIDEO coming out of the music business? What fucking lesbian planet did you grow up on, lady?
We advertise adult content because THAT is where the money is. If advertising feminist support groups and bull-dyke hair salons was making money for me, trust me, that's who I would be advertising. They're not. You are not in our audience, and if you are... you're part of the 3 percent that I don't worry about, because we will never please you.
The next time you feel like screaming at someone thousands of miles away, make sure your point is a little more valid.
In closing, "Fuck Off".
Emotion(s) while posting: angry
Posted by stevec
at 8:51 AM
STUPID E-MAIL FOR 12/4/2004
Posted: Saturday, December 4, 2004
A fun little feature from previous versions of Foundrymusic.com was the Stupid Email section. It gave me an opportunity to respond to those folks who might not have posessed the ability to think properly before hitting the 'send' button after composing a jackass letter. I had a few minutes today, so I thought I would bring it back.
Stupid Email:
Steve,
I love O & A, but the links to foundry music suck ass...They are ALWAYS a pain in the ass...Two, make that three sentences that end in ass...Make that, FOUNDRY MUSIC is a PAIN IN THE ASS...to use...
zach
Response to Stupid Email:
Hey Zach,
I just responded to you a few minutes ago asking you to SPECIFICALLY tell me what you didn't like about the site (which is what I do when anyone writes to me complaining). Nine times out of ten, the conversation ends there. However, you caught me at an interesting time. I just woke up... I have a ton of work to do so YOU can have shit to look at from the O&A show all weekend...and the LAST fucking thing I needed was to hear how some ungrateful fuck is questioning the manner in which he obtains his FREE entertainment.
Eat my shit, Zach. No, wait. Wait until I am done shitting, and then go into the bathroom with a slotted spoon and eat the peanuts out of my warm, runny, loose shit. You ungrateful little maggot. My crew and I have been running this site for seven years now (six of those have included Opie and Anthony content), and so far NO ONE has stepped up to do it better than us. Until you can do better, I suggest you dive in front of a speeding train. Give your family the gift of your demise this holiday season you whiny fuck. I am infinitely more concerned with the 95% of people who LIKE what Jeff, the whole FM crew, and I do rather than the 5% who we will never please, so you can just accept the fact that nothing you say will ever matter.
Swallow a handful of pills, drink a gallon of vodka, and slip into the sweet embrace of death. Happy fucking holidays, shit-for-brains.
Emotion(s) while posting: angry
Posted by stevec
at 8:32 AM
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