Steve Speaks Postings for March 2007
ONE DAY AT A TIME
Posted: Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Boy, it's the simple stuff that really seems to have been having an impact on me lately. Stupid, mundane shit and my ability to get little simple tasks done has been the source of a lot of enjoyment for me these days:
Are the dishes done? Did I remember to do the laundry? Did I vacuum up all the dog hair so my living room doesn't look like it just got hit by a team of yellow labs? Do I have enough eggs, oatmeal, and grilled chicken to last me all week (because my schedule is so packed, I only can shop on the weekends) Being able to answer all of those questions affirmitavely from day to day is one of my little thrills these days. You see, I've spent so much time worrying about EVERYONE ELSE in my life, and not looking after myself, now that I'm taking the time to worry about what *I* need to worry about, I'm feeling a lot more relaxed.
Something else really simple was conveyed to me the other day. It was so simple and seemingly obvious, but it really impacted me. 'One Day At A Time'. No, not the television show with Valerie Bertinelli and the guy who played Schneider (I'm too lazy to look up his name right now)... but the concept of concentrating on the tasks of ONE DAY, and ONLY one day. Hell, one minute at a time...one hour at a time. Life gets a little more manageable if I just focus on what has to get done TODAY.
I have to stop worrying about the past...or 'yesterday'. It's done. I can't fix it. I can't change it. I can certainly learn from my past, and I sure have, but I can't dwell on it. It's a pointless exercise. I'll be the first to admit that I have done some shitful things in my life. Things I'm embarrassed about. Things that have hurt others that I love. I used to beat the shit out of myself for this all the time, and I guess I still do periodically, but I can't focus on these past mistakes. It's completely unproductive. I need to pour my energy into today, and concerning myself with how I'm going to make ME a better person TODAY. I'll worry about tomorrow when it comes, too. There's no point in obsessing about what MIGHT happen. Anticipation and imagination usually just wind up being fabrication, and who needs that? I'm just going to do the absolute best I can to make the wisest choices today, and I'm not going to get myself into a panic about what might go down tomorrow, a week from now, or even a month from now. Let's get through today, and worry about the future when we get there.
This is obviously much easier to articulate than to put into practice. That's what growth is all about; physical, mental, spiritual... they're all opportunities for growth and making yourself a better version of yourself.
I've fucked up a lot. Mostly with myself. I was self-destructive for a very long time, and to an extent I still am. I have a lot of bad habits I need to break, but I'm not going to break them overnight. I'm going to deal with them one day at a time, and I know I'll get through them. I nneglected my own mental health for a long time, and I'm on the long hard road to getting my head screwed on straight. I think I may have only screwed it a few turns in the right direction so far, but I really like the way it feels.
I'm sorry if this blog came off as preachy or mushy... but fuck it. It's mine, and I'll write what I want. Tomorrow I might write about something less mushy, but I'm not going to worry about that now.
Emotion(s) while posting: confident
Posted by stevec
at 8:59 PM
CHEERIOS DON'T LIKE ME ...OR MY STAPLED GUT
Posted: Friday, March 23, 2007
Yeah, I know...odd title for a blog, right? Allow me to explain my latest discovery in the ongoing journey of What Steve is no longer able to eat because his stomach is stapled:
Since having my stomach stapled some five years ago (gastric bypass) and since losing some 170 lbs total (I used to weigh about 400 lbs), I have continually had to re-adjust my diet to accomodate a healthier lifestyle and my smaller gullet. Sure, I slip up sometimes and I cheat, but everyone does. My big downfall when I was a fat guy was Italian food. Pizza, pasta, big fattening sandwiches. There were also loving relationships with every fast food chain imaginable (mmmmm...double Whopper with cheese). Those days are over. Today, I'm all about eating wa less carbs and dairy, eating lots of protein and veggies, choking down about 33 vitamins per day, and I exercise non-stop in an effort to keep myself around 230 or 240 lbs. I even stopped drinking completely in January in an effort to A) sober up, and B) trim down even more.
Now, candy and sweets are among the things I have had to stay away from in the past five years. I mean, I can have a cookie or two every now and then, and a handful of M&M's (peanut butter...Mmmm) won't kill me, but if I eat anything with dense sugar in it...forget it. I'm a shaking, sweating mess...and I have to spend about ten/fifteen minutes in the shower, shaking like a leaf until the shit leaves my body in the form of perspiration.
OK, I eat less, eat healthier, and I workout like a loon. I generally feel as strong as a fucking ox, and that's good. This brings me to last night. Around 7:30, I get inside after walking the dog, and I decide to have a bowl of Cheerios. Well, Honey Nut Cheerios to be exact. They're relatively low in calories, high in fiber, and it'll fill me up.
...
...
Not more than ten minutes later, I was knocked out. Exhausted. Pooped. Needed sleep. I figured I just had a long day (waking up at 3am every day will do that to you) and needed to rest. Little did I know that the evil Honey Nut Cheerios were about to wreak havoc on my insides. I woke up at 3am shaking like a leaf and sweating from every single pore in my body. Apparenly, that little bumble bee on the packaging neglected to tell me that there is a hefty amount of sugar in his God-forsaken breakfast treat. I literally crawled into the shower, turned on the water, and curled up into a ball, in the dark until my body stopped purging all the sugar I'd overdosed on.
Fuck you Honey Nut Cheerios. I thought you were my friend with your honey, nutty goodness and clever bumble bee packaging. Never again will I allow you to trick me into consuming your sugar-filled little intestine bombs.
Yes, I COULD have read the packaging and figured out BEFORE eating a bowl full that the sugar content was WAY too high, but I'd rather learn by doing. Still, fuck you Honey Nut Cheerios.
Emotion(s) while posting: exhausted
Posted by stevec
at 7:21 AM
DOING WHAT NEEDS TO GET DONE
Posted: Wednesday, March 21, 2007
I don't know if I'm getting more spiritual in my ripe old age of 33, but it seems that lately, when I really need a comforting voice or someone to vent to, I wind up getting exactly what I ask for. This morning, I was completely stressed out on my way into work...just a lot of things weighing on my mind personally...a lot of questions I would love answers to, and I'm just not getting them.
Then I got a phone call from someone, and it really helped. He reinforced a concept I really needed drilled into my head, and that is that I can only control so much. I can only work on things that help me, and no matter how much I want to help someone else... I will never be able to affect ANY change in someone else that he/she isn't willing to engage in.
I'm sad because I feel like I'm working hard to fix myself, but in the process of doing so, I'm growing apart from what I have known for so long.
I guess that's why they call it 'change'.
Emotion(s) while posting: depressed
Posted by stevec
at 3:56 AM
I DON'T TAKE VERY GOOD CARE OF MYSELF
Posted: Wednesday, March 14, 2007
I don't take very good care of myself. Before I continue making my point, I should say that I work out non-stop, I take over 30 vitamins every day, I don't drink anymore, I eat healthier than I ever have in my life, and I am actually sleeping more than four hours a night these days. All of this evidence would indicate that I DO take decent care of myself and my body.
However, when I get sick or run down, I tend not to acknowlege it. Sure, I'll bitch, piss, and moan about not feeling well, and if I get sick on a weekend, I'll make sure to curl up in bed and not move... but God forbid there's 'stuff to do'... I can't slow down. I get antsy. I start obsessing about all of the shit that has to get done in my little crazy obsessive world, and I need to hop up, get out of bed, and get my work done. I've never been able to relinquish enough control of my work to let someone else step in. If there's a job to get done, I'm paranoid that if I don't get it done myself, it'll get done incorrectly. I'm a manic, over-worked, partially-stressed-out mess, and when my body finally craps out because I've pushed myself too far... I keep pushing. I should rest, but I keep going.
When I was younger, I was a chubby waste of space (or at least that's what I was convinced I was), and I had it drilled into my head that 'fat people are embarrassing and out of control, and you should be ashamed to be one of them'. If I ever came home with less than a B+ in school, I was grounded (the by-product of having genius parents). Eventually I learned to be petrified of failure, so rather than risk failure, I tend to over-work, over-think, and over-stress the simplest of tasks.
Perfect example: for the past few days, I've felt like total crap. Headache, stomach all cramped up, and exhausted. Did I call out sick? No. Did I lay off the gym? Nope. Did I listen to anyone who told me to calm down and get some rest? Nope. I slept for most of the afternoon yesterday, but I still managed to get out of bed and do the work I needed to do. Why? Because in the back of my crazy head, I think the world is going to fall apart unless I keep going full steam ahead.
What I hope, in all sincerity, is that in the bevy of self-help programs I have myself currently involved in, I can find the time to work on this obsessive shit. My laundry list of personal flaws is fucking huge, so I guess I can just add this to the list and just pray that I don't piss off too many people close to me in the process. I need all the friends I can get right now.
Emotion(s) while posting: depressed
Posted by stevec
at 3:29 AM
A TO Z... ANSWERING STUPID QUESTIONS
Posted: Friday, March 9, 2007
WHY am I doing this? I never do these cheesy online questionaires
1. A is for age: 33... already got gray hairs in my sideburns. Shit.
2. B is for beer of choice: Stopped drinking a little over a month ago. Wasn't much a a beer drinker anyway
3. C is for career right now: Radio dope, internet ass.
4. D is for your dog’s name: Winston
5. E is for essential item you use everyday: Cell Phones. Two of 'em. Like six shooters. I'm a cowboy. No I'm not.
6. F is for favorite TV show at the moment: Sopranos starts up ...when? I watch movies...for five minutes. Then I pass out.
7. G is for favorite game: Marvel Ultimate Alliance (XBOX 360)
8. H is for Hometown: Mountain Lakes, NJ
9. I is for instruments you play: Guitar (and a pitiful amount of piano), Skin flute
10. J is for favorite juice: Crystal Light. juice is for people with non-stapled stomachs.
11. K is for whose butt you’d like to kick: The list used to be huge. Now it's down to a handful
12. L is for last place you ate: Chili's
13. M is for marriage: at the moment
14. N is for your full name: Same as my father's, plus a II at the end
15. O is for overnight hospital stays: when I had the gastric bypass
16. P is for people you were with today: co-workers, trainer
17. Q is for quote: "progress, not perfection"..."better to be impressive rather than intimidating"
18. R is for Biggest Regret: Not being a better brother. Miss you.
19. S is for status: Married
20. T is for time you woke up today: 3 fucking AM.
21. U is for underwear you have on now: long boxer briefs from Jockey...with the easy access penis pouch
22. V is for vegetable you love: mushrooms. they count, right?
23. W is for worst habit: pick one. There's SO many
24. X is for x-rays you’ve had: teeth, gut, skull
25. Y is for yummy food you ate today? Egg whites, Chicken, Turkey Meatloaf, coffee, muffin
26. Z is for the zodiac sign? Pisces
Emotion(s) while posting: lonely
Posted by stevec
at 2:21 AM
EARLY MORNING PHONE CALLS
Posted: Thursday, March 8, 2007
Just as I got to work this morning, I got a call on my cell phone from a local number I didn't recognize. Thankfully, there was a voicemail from this fella, and I was able to figure out pretty quickly who it was. Without divulging too much, I will say that it was a call I really needed to get. I called him back and we talked for about ten minutes.
I've been feeling pretty lost lately, and even though I think I have good head on my shoulders and a good handle on all of the changes going on in my life, I really needed a pick-up this morning, and after opening up for a few minutes, I feel exponentially better.
It's really amazing how that when I get to a point at which I feel that no one else could possibly know what I'm going through, something happens to pick me up out of the shithouse and remind me that I don't have it so bad...or that someone else out there can relate.
It's nice to know I'm not the only one on the planet who has made some shitty decisions in his life. I just need to improve the manner in which I deal with the aftermath of those decisions.
Emotion(s) while posting: confused
Posted by stevec
at 5:14 AM
SO, WE'RE A BUNCH OF SMUT PEDDLERS, EH?
Posted: Thursday, March 1, 2007
What a thing to wake up to. Sheesh.
Check out this article at Radio Online
OK, so Red Wolf Broadcasting, which owns a few radio stations manned by about three people each (yes, we looked it up), doesn't want to carry the Opie and Anthony Show, and accuses us of being "smut peddlers". They mention the Whip 'em Out Wednesday campaign and they mention this very website in their press release. This isn't the first time I've seen this kind of horseshit, and I'm sure it won't be the last. Yeah, smut peddling. That's what it's all about.
Are you fucking kidding me???
Listen, shitbags... when you're done with your milktoast morning radio shit, you can pay attention to me for a minute. I've been running this website for a LONG time. I've been working with this 'smut peddling' radio show for years, and while not everything is wholesome, we're not parading gape-holed chicks through the room for five hours a day.
Look, there was a point at which the material on this website was A LOT racier. I've been personally bitched at by radio managers to clean up this website more times than I can count. I buckled a few times, because I was scared and inexperienced. We went so far as to take ALL of the WOW photos (you know, photos of naked breasts) on the RateMyWOW.com site. Now, I'm just fucking bored by it. They come around every six months ago, wave their fingers at me, calling me a troublemaker, then they go away. I'm not changing shit. Fuck off. Die. Repeat. Unless of course any and/or all of these broadcast companies would like to subsidise this website operation, then we can talk turkey. Pay my bills or shut youf fucking mouths. All of you.
I've been personally ponying up the cash to keep this operation alive for many years. If you would like to assume that responsibility, I'd be glad to accept your input. My guess is that you won't. I'll bet if you DID, you'd fuck up the site(s) so much, you'd make their traffic non-existent.
Do websites make money? If you're lucky enough, YES. Is the money generated by THIS WEBSITE making anyone rich or being used to pay off disc jockeys for plugs? NO. NEVER HAS. NEVER WILL. This website is a bitch to pay for some months, so if we have to take advertising from companies like HOTMOVIES to pay the bills... so be it. As long as the checks clear, the links stay up.
I really would like to beat the shit out of someone right now.
Emotion(s) while posting: enraged
Posted by stevec
at 7:43 AM
STUPID EMAIL FOR MARCH 2005
Posted: Wednesday, March 9, 2005
Why the fuck do people have to go behind my back to bitch? I swear, bitching to Opie about this website does nothing more than draw attention the fact that someone is acting in a cowardly manner. After some digging, it turns out this guy submitted a RAMONE promo that we bashed on air.
STUPID EMAIL 1:
I hate to seem like nit pick guy, and I feel like a dick emailing about it, but Foundrymusic is the worst site ever. It is an abortion in an alleyway that noone cared enough about to throw in the dumpster. It just hangs around, people not watching where they are going step on it, it gets stuck to their shoe and they just kick it to another part of the alley because it isn't their problem. Fix the problem.
*It is hard to find the O&A section
*it seems slow
*you can only search once every 30 seconds? what the fuck, what if the first search brings up nothing, I want to try another search word right away, I don't need a cooldown period to collect my thoughts
*you need to go like 10 pages in to get to a download link
*all of the files are zipped, you get literally get NO compression for video and audio files. This means that the compressed files have to be downloaded and then unzipped before they can be opened. This adds a few more steps to the process.
*if the fucking files weren't zipped we could stream them and start them immediately and not have to wait for the download to complete and go through the steps required to unzip
The site is official now, there should be some money behind it, and bandwidth shouldn't be an issue. Maybe if over-enunciating SteveC had some flame underwear he would have enough of a fire under his ass to make the site functional.
STUPID RESPONSE 1:
Too hard to find the O&A section? Are you fucking serious? ...evidently all of the big bold yellow letters aren't obvious enough. Apparently the fact that EVERY link on Opieandanthony.com lands on foundry isn't obvious enough. Evidently, the fact that every search engine query for 'Opie And Anthony' will land you on foundrymusic.com within one click wasn't too obvious. Jeff and I will get to work on this for you right away, little lady.
The Site Seems Slow? You seem slow.
Ten pages get to a download link, eh? Wrong. Period.
Zipping up those big files saves money on my bandwith costs. Would you like me to send YOU all the bills for this site? If so, send me your address, then figure out how to generate several thousand dollars a month so a bunch of ingrates (like yourself) can criticize.
I'm sorry that unzipping files and waiting is such an inconvenience. I'm sure you could get back to that cure for cancer you're working on if you weren't so consumed with downloading dipshit videos off my website.
Fire under my ass? Don't ever question my work ethic again, you useless, should-be-dead, waste of space. If you're THAT pissed off that I didn't react affectionately to something via Email, you can contact me directly, and not bitch to Opie behind my back.
Pussy.
Thanks so much for your useless commentary.
Emotion(s) while posting: angry
Posted by stevec
at 9:56 PM
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