Putting the 'fun' in dysfunctional! Postings for November 2004
WHAT DO YOU DO IN THIS SITUATION?
Posted: Tuesday, November 30, 2004
Holy scheisse, I slept through three alarm clocks this morning. Thank God the four cats and the dog woke me up, or who knows how long I would've slept?
I was in the middle of a vivid dream; I know it was, because I had to go to the bathroom, and couldn't for some time, because of certain...conditions. I always wonder what other guys do in this situation. Do they stand a few feet away from the bowl, and arc the stream like a ballistic curve? I mean, how DO you calculate the angle? Can a few guys kind of bend things down, and go then? I can't; something gets kinked in there, and I stand there dribbling like a dog that just heard the bell. Maybe other guys just say, "hell with it," and just go right in the tub, then rinse it down.
What SHOULD I do, I wondered. Instead of the application of some ice, I just waited, dancing from foot to foot thinking of a "Golden Girls" episode. Things changed, finally. It is scary when the release of urine denied gives one so much joy. It felt like an orgasm.
Cringe-induction now complete, am submerging.
"THIS VS. THAT" THREADS...
Posted: Wednesday, November 24, 2004
One type of posting that I see again and again is where someone will post something like:
"Which is better-U2 or the Alarm" or "Who's the better actor: Marlon Brando or Robert Duvall"
To me, these kinds of posts are like arguing over which color is better, red or blue. It's so subjective, and it goes nowhere.
So, I've decided to post a thread where I ask people to contribute their own, better "this vs. that" idea.
I've written a few to start you off. Discuss amongst yourselves.
Which is preferable:
Michael Bolton vs. fingernails on a blackboard
Celine Dion Vs. two styrofoam blocks rubbing together
DJ Clue vs self-immolation
Commercial music radio vs. a paralytic stroke
John Tesh vs. puncturing your eardrums with an icepick
Ashlee Simpson vs. profound deafness
Kevin Costner vs. nude photos of Bea Arthur
Regis Philbin vs. an overdose of sleeping pills
Limp Bizkit's rap remix album vs. being pinned behind the steering wheel during a car fire
The N'Sync Christmas Album vs. every Christmas spent alone
COULROPHOBIA-FEAR OF CLOWNS.
Posted: Tuesday, November 16, 2004
Yes. Clowns. I hate them. I see them getting out of that VW Bug, 30 at a time, and that's like dumping gasoline on my nightmare fire. I think of serial killer, John Wayne Gacy, with his 34-person body count, and think of his job. That's right, he was a clown.
The evil clowns don't really scare me, because we know what their agenda is. That "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" movie was very vindicating for me, because it showed the secret agenda of all clowns: To put us all in cotton-candy coccoons, and suck out our life force through a bendy straw. The obviously evil ones are not what I fear. It's those jolly ones, and especially the "tramp" ones, with their big painted-on banana smile, their x-ed out eyes, and their fake five o'clock shadow. They just wait to sweep me out of existence with those brooms that follow around the spotlight. Forget about it if they have the sad face with the tear rolling down, like a Cholo who marks his murders.
They are stupid, unfunny, and evil.
We don't know anything about them, as they hatch their devious plots behind those big shoes and red noses. And that soundless hand-waving and pie throwing! Their evil seltzer bottle, just waiting. Waiting.
"Hey! It's a clown in an Escort full of balloons." They're probably full of nerve gas, just waitng to be released at that kid's party, ready to turn everyone there into chattering, defecating messes on the ground, except the clown, of course, as he breathes through that filter in his big red nose. Eeep. NOT a child's friend.
Naturally everybody in my family gets me clown-related things all the time, because they love me oh, so much. If they're combustible, they get the blowtorch. If not, they get the sledgehammer.
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