Postings for December 2003
MY NAME IS NOT MANUEL LABOR
Posted: Friday, December 26, 2003
My Name Isn't Manuel Labor.
If you've been reading my columns, you've been inadvertently keeping tabs on my life. You know of my car issues, my fast food debacles, my adventures in bartending and who could forget my own personal peeping pervert. Well kiddies, it's about that time again because your friend FMDanny can snap at the sound of ice melting.
Hmm..Now where did we leave off? I can't remember either. Here are the cliff notes:
- I lost my bar gig.
- I lost my apartment.
- I lost my sanity.
- I am currently employed at a local pet supply retail store;I unload skids, stock shelves and wipe up giant puddles of puppy piss for $7 an hour. Meaning, I do a ridiculous amount of work, go home, and I can't even afford a box of tissues to soak up the tsunami of tears I cry, in the corner, filthy and naked.
- One year ago I was drinking Makers Mark. As I write this, I'm drinking box wine out of a Flintstones jelly jar.
Now, don't cry for me, Argentina, or whatever your name is, because the holiday season is upon us. It's time to prove how much you care about somebody solely by how much money you spend on them. Jesus didn't die for your sins, he died for your neatly wrapped boxes of crap... and apparently, some "super cool" tattoos.
...And speaking of Hay-Soos, I saw him standing on the corner by the Auto Zone, and even he laughed in my face when I told him what I do for a living these days.
I took this job at the pet store because I needed work. I knew it was a shit job. I really just didn't care because I needed the money...Bad. I could have made more writing jokes for Rich Vos, and we all know what a cheapskate he is. We all know how much of an unfunny, pathetic hack I am, so I guess we're perfect for each other.
I don't know how much work anyone expects me to do for $7 an hour. These people think they did me a favor or something by hiring me. They want me shoveling snow, taking out garbage, weeding out the dead mice in the feeder tank -- All aside from what I'm supposed to be doing. Dude. SEVEN bucks. 30 minute UNPAID break. Then I'll get busted having a smoke outside after busting my balls, lifting a combined ton of weight and they look at me like I'm some kinda lazy Mexican. As he gets into his brand new gigantic SUV, smoking a stoge, gonna go home to his house and his big TV...cuz he works for it. If you've ever sold anything on eBay you now have the business savvy of this round jiggling ball of pudding. It's like going to BJ's, buying an entire skid of macaroni and cheese, and then selling it to the meatheads in the projects for five cents less than what Pathmark sells it for. Thats what he does. That's work to him.
Maggots. Spiders. Spider eggs. Oh yeah, working with pet food is hella fun. Ever inhale a cloud of cat litter after sweeping it up? You get all hyper and your mouth goes numb....oh wait, no..you just COUGH EVERY FUCKING DAY ALL FUCKING DAY. You think they'd give us a mask or something. Maybe I can sue. Any lawyers out there? Don't even ask me about my hands. All my knuckles are swollen. Almost as swollen as Jacko's crotch at a maternity ward. Almost.
In conclusion, when life throws you some lemons, the lemons will most likely explode upon hitting you in the face, and the juices will burn your eyes, you'll stumble around, fall, and smash your skull on a fire hydrant.
FoundryMusicDanny
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS AIDS
Posted: Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Hey Kids, do you want your VERY own COLUMN just like FoundryMusicDanny?!?! Well, CLICK ON OVER TO SITE NEWS and see if you've got what it takes to join in the depravity!
Fuck the day after Thanksgiving, you know the holiday season is really upon us when "A Christmas Story" starts airing on cable. I haven't even shit out my turkey and cranberry sauce yet (well, maybe that's just MY problem) and already we're suhpposed to be watching Christmas movies and doing our holiday shopping.
As you can plainly see I'm already in the Christmas spirit. And what exactly is Christmas supposed to mean to us anyway? Joy? Happiness? Fuck that. "Where's my presents?" That's how everyone else feels, so why shouldn't I? When did the holiest of holidays become nothing more than your second birthday? Not that I really give a shit about the supposed birth of Christ. To me anyhow, Christ is about as feasible as Jack and the fucking beanstalk.
So basically just because some cult leader fell out of his knocked up mother's bush, I have to spend Godlike amounts of money for people I barely give a flaming shit about. That's what the fuck Christmas is about, people. There's no magic, no sprit; It's all about how much money you should spend on somebody because you're wondering how much they probably spent on you.
When you really think about it, Christmas doesn't really resemble a Christian holiday in the first place. Why don't we put up a big bloody cross in our living rooms instead of a tree? We could decorate it with bent nails and skin instead of lights and tinsel. That seems to celebrate the birth of Christ a little more realistically.(Actually Danny, that would be a depiction of the DEATH of Christ, but your fury is always appreciated. - H.N.I.C) And fuck Santa Claus, what does he have to do with anything? Rudolph, Frosty, all these things are the first things you think about when somebody says "Christmas" and yet none of these things have anything remotely to do with what the holiday is really supposed to be about. In "A Christmas Story" when little Ralphie is asked what we wants for Christmas did he reply "Oh nothin Mom, just peace on Earth"? Fuck no man, he wanted a Red Rider BB gun. That's Christmas.
So pretty please, take your carolling, your fruit cake, your "magic of Christmas" and sleigh ride it all the way up your gaping bleeding asshole and buy me some underpants and hookers.
FoundryMusicDanny
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