Postings for March 2003
ELIZABETH 'SMART'...YEAH, RIGHT
Posted: Friday, March 14, 2003
Why is it that every time FoundryMusicDanny writes a column, I feel like I have to write a nine page disclaimer that chronicles, in detail, the depths of his mental illness? I guess we all know he's a few sandwiches short of a picnic by now, so I'll keep it short. Dan's nuts. We don't agree with 90% of what he says usually. Having said that, Danny's been reading the papers this week, and like a lot of us who have been reading up on this Elizabeth Smart story, he's wondering 'WHAT THE HELL PREVENTED THIS CHICK FROM TRYING TO BREAK FREE OF THE LUNATICS WHO TOOK HER FOR NINE F-ING MONTHS?!?' Seriously, this has the makings of a good mini-series. Anyway, enough of me ranting. Here's Danny's twisted take on the Elizabeth Smart story:
Dormant. Empty. Like a night without Makers Mark. What in the world can possibly waken me from this long overdue slumber? Elizabeth Smart, that's what. I've been waiting, longing, for a story so powerful to disturb me from my silence...or just disturb me period.
Lemme tell ya, Elizabeth wasn't so friggin 'Smart', ok? I don't care how many crazy people were around her at once, how hard is it to say "Hey fuckers! I'm Elizabeth Smart!! HELP ME!"
Hey, she was found, good for her. But I'll tell ya something, Elizabeth might not have been too smart, but her abductor sure was. You see those nubs in the paper?? Niiicccceee! He knew what he was doing.
Seriously, how could you look in the paper with a straight face and say to yourself, "Damn, I wonder how many psycho loads she took to the chin." or, "Gee, what's her balloon knot look like by this point." Elizabeth "Smart" my ass...my man who abudcted her was "smart" for knowing what a hot piece of ass she would be in nine months. Somewhere Jim Norton is screaming "Why God, not me!?!"
All I'm saying is that if you're Elizabeth Smart, you don't go for nine months without screaming in public, "HEY I'M ELIZABETH SMART!" unless you enjoy taking hot protein baths to the face, or a nice creampie now and then, OK?(Jesus...Danny...relax... - Ed.)
Judging from that picture in the paper, either she liked what was going on, or she has a fetish for Amish guys.
Here's to you Elizabeth, I hope to enjoy you one day myself. You've got great nubs. Really now. No for real...really great nubs.
Yours pervertedly,
FoundryMusicDanny
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