Postings for June 2003
A BEER COMMERCIAL I'D LIKE TO SEE
Posted: Tuesday, June 17, 2003
Our resident alcohol afficionado, FoundryMusicDanny, has returned with yet another fantabulous column for us all to suck down (preferably not while under the influence of prescription meds)
I've been seeing some of the absolute stupidest beer and liquor ads ever, and I can't seem to understand why (or if) they actually work. They're so unrealistic, I don't see how they can possibly promote the product(s) they're supposed to be advertising.
They're all pretty much the same; There's a bunch of absolutely stone sober 20 somethings having the greatest time ever, clanking their bottles or glasses together with the absolute hottest women I've ever seen. Yeah, right.
I, for one would like to see a little truth in advertising. Where's the guy puking out his spaghetti-o's with franks after chugging his 10th Irish Car Bomb? Where's the middle-aged drunken Polish woman falling down after trying to dance? And what about the ugly beast who's singing awful karaoke? Where are THOSE people?
This is what I see when i go out. How come I don't see any of this in my commercials? If I worked for Bud, Coors, or Baileys, believe me pal, you'd be seeing a whole new advertising campaign. I think it may go something like this:
A man wakes up around 3pm to his phone ringing. Its his buddy he was with the night before.
"Hey bro."
"Dude, what the hell happened last night? Why are my clothes covered with dirt? And why does my face hurt?"
"You don't remember?"
"Nah man."
Now we flashback to the night before where we find our absent-minded friend at a party. He's a little wobbly and talking to a group of girls. The camera is straight ahead at one girl, as if we're looking at her through the eyes of our friend.
As he speaks, huge goblets of spit can be seen collecting on her face. She leaves, disgusted and our friend decides he needs another drink. As he falls down an entire flight of stairs you can notice the wet spots on his shirt from all the times he spilled his drink on himself.
Our hero finally stumbles his way through the kitchen to the fridge. The camera angle is now of the inside of the fridge looking out. He grabs another beer, cracks it and takes a sip. Not looking very well, our friend proceeds to open the crisper drawer and vomit into it. This is the point where several people grab him by the shirt and throw him out the door of the party. Thinking it's all just a big laugh, he decides to roll around on the lawn for no particular reason.
The scene cuts back to the next day, with our hero on the phone.
"No....really?"
"Yeah man, you totally made an ass out of yourself."
"Anybody I should apologize to?"
"Uhh.....everyone?"
We then cut to the big red Bud logo, and a big deep-voiced fella saying: "Budweiser, King Of Beer", or "Please Enjoy Bailey's Responsibly" or some bullshit like that.
(Drinking responsibly? What the hell is that?)
Would it work? Who knows. Probably not. But it's better than those stupid fucking Iguanas-in-the-swamp ads I keep seeing.
~FoundryMusicDanny~
16 OUNCES OF PAIN
Posted: Tuesday, June 11, 2002
Considering that my life revolves around alcohol, (I'm a bartender, and when not at work, I'm drinking like a fish) I thought I'd write about the one controlling factor in my life. Beer. I've always heard the old saying "write what you know" so, it was either this or a guide on where to find the hottest junior high school girls. Those creamy bodies. Those sweet, sweet cans. So tasty. So pure. Yessir, I sure do love my beer.
I suppose I'll start with my all time #1 favorite and probably yours too, Guinness. Ah the beer of champions. A dark, rich and thick stout, Guinness blows away the competiton by far. Also, as an added bonus, Guinness, when given to an unsuspecting girl, will produce what I like to call the "cum face." That's where her eyes squint, nose scrunches and her lips curl just like the first time she tasted a healthy dose of man chowder. So, not only do you get a mighty tasty beer, but sometimes a boner as well.
Next on the list is Pete's Wicked Ale. And wicked it is. Unless you're a Bostonian, where finding a quarter on the street is also looked upon as being "wicked." Pete's has a nice crisp bite to it with a taste unique from any other ale. Pete's is kinda like the ugly fat chick of beer. Your friends won't talk to her, but you will, because you know she'll give you the best blow job ever.
On to O&A sponser Sam Adams. Aside from the fact that Sam is an excellent, award winning brew, you must also take into consideration it's brewer Jim Koch. (Thats pronounced COOK not COCK, jack-asses.) For those who don't know, Mr. Koch is a fucking madman. And thats a good thing. This guy has a pressurized back pack filled with his tasty Sam Adams and shoots the fucking shit down his, among everyone else's throat at 150 feet per second. Thats a guy who loves his beer. The frigging guy even smokes the hops. Thats the kind of guy whose beer I want to buy. Delicious, and brewed by a psychopath, Sam Adams.
Now lets take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Beers which should should never be consumed under any circumstances. I don't care which 5th grader you're trying to get drunk, they should not be exposed to the disgusting abuse that is Budweiser, Coors Light, Tequiza, Zima, any malt beverage, anything that comes in a 40 oz, Schaefer, Old Milwakee, Natural Light, Natural Ice, and of course Corona. If any of those are on your list of favorite beers, you should be raped by a large colored felon.
FoundryMusicDanny
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