Postings for February 2005
INTRODUCING...CAPTAIN POWDERNUTS
Posted: Wednesday, February 16, 2005
I'd like to formally introduce our latest columnist. From across the country in sunny California (Hollywood, specifically), we are proud to welcome Capatain Powdernuts! Captain Powdernuts (no, that's not his real name obviously - you'll understand why he's using an alias soon) worked for years with some major rock bands back in the day, and he's chock full o' juicy stories and gossip. Now, if that wasn't cool enough, Captain Powdernuts is now tight in the PORN community...so as you can imagine, he's a perfect fit for us goons at FoundryMusic.com. We asked him to write a column for us every week, and it took him about ten seconds to oblige. Just wait until you read the first edition of... THE HOLLYWOOD WHORE REPORT!
- SC
It’s a lazy afternoon in Hell-A and I feel the all-too-familiar vibration of my phone right next to my cock. “Finally,” I mutter under my breath and quietly slip out of the AA meeting I’ve been suffering through to answer the call. “Dude,” I bark into it. “I’ve got a hundred meet you in an hour,” I continue without even asking who it is.
Silence.
I freeze for a second thinking it’s my sponsor when I hear Steve C., ask for yours truly. “Whew, dude you fucking scared me. What up nigga!?!” And before he can even answer I spit out some wicked news I’m just fucking dying to tell someone. “Dude, you’ll never guess who’s in the AA meeting with me…fucking COURTNEY LOVE and fucking OZZY. Together at an AA meeting - an AA meeting in a fucking bar no less. Only in Lost Angeles…only in LA.”
“The Ozz Man looks amazingly healthy,” I spit further. “I want to give him a fucking hug, but Courtney needs to get back on drugs quickly. What a fat fucking fuck. I like the drugged out, tit flashin’, zombie cunt she used to be. I hope the fully stocked bar ten feet from the group sharing their woes about booze, sluts, and drugs is sending subliminal signals to my girl Courtney cuz she needs some help. So, um what can I do you for Steve? How’s Op and Ant?”
“You want me to do what?”
“Write a weekly column on the porn industry with a little rock n roll sprayed on top like a Peter North facial.”
“Fuck yeah.”
So there it was, an official invite to report on the two things I love more than my Mother and MOTÖRHEAD combined: Fuck pigs and the musicians who fuck em. I’ve died and gone to whore heaven. I pinch my filthy ball sac and slip back into the meeting just in time to thank the speaker for helping me stay sober and call my dealer back. This means I need to keep my dick tuned to 69 megahertz and I can’t do that without a little needle-shaped antenna. Where the fuck is my guy!!!???
So who am I? I’m the guy that’s always backstage passing out bindles, rounding up crew sluts and sometimes I drink the last beer, but not without asking first. I’m also the sleazy fuck that’s prowling around porn sets savoring the delicate bouquet of douche and semen like the stench of desperation of a failed child star. Occasionally, I con one of the runaways…I mean porn stars to suck me off just to keep things interesting and I only get to tell my diary of my good fortune. Diary did I say diary…I meant, fuck, okay so I keep a diary. Eat shit; I fuck porn stars and party like a rock star. What’s your excuse? The bottom line is I love the left coast and all the characters in a play called Hollywood and it’s my job to let you know just what’s going on here and when intermission is so you can cop a fix in the stall next to mine. Pass the pipe, crackster.
So here are a few tit bits for you to suck on.
Vivid has signed twin sisters to an exclusive contract. The corporate porn sellouts have dangled a herpetic cock with a few bucks stuck to it to lure the midwestern twins out from under the Bible belt and into the commercial rectum of world’s first filthy clean porn company. It’s too bad that the US doesn’t require a test to move from an undeveloped state to “Calipornia” cuz there’d be a lot less waitresses and fuckable retards causing so much traffic. Sadly there isn’t because our silicone twins are both infected with the dreaded “Jenna Syndrome.” According to their Vividlicious biography one of the goals of the double cunt twins is to be famous. Yeah, they said it. Do you know what’s worse than a delusional cockhound thinking she’s the next Jenna? Two delusional cockhounds thinking they’re the next Jenna. Good luck Lyndsey and Lacey I bet your mom is proud.
The bastards that dognapped Tera Patrick’s beloved Chopper have finally broken down and returned him to her loving breasts. After what turned into a fucking worldwide dog hunt, the pressure got to much for the puppy snatchers and they returned the yappy fellow - but not without collecting a little scrilla for their troubles. Of course this is all speculation and they were probably a nice upstanding old couple that found the pup hungry and shivering in a long litter strewn alley on a dark rainy night and opened up their hearts and home and took in the beast, but hey I saw Ransom too.
Hey if you’re a stalker…whoa did I say that…I meant a fan of pornography and you haven’t been served an order of protection or you have and you’ve got 50 feet to play with I’m sure you already know about the F.O.X.E Awards. If you’re just a regular-I hide my porn from my wife and jack off in the garage-kinda guy, and you’ve got a get out of jail free card in your wallet the F.O.X.E (Fans Of X-Rated Entertainment) Awards is the place for you to be. This year the sausage fest will be held at the Mayflower Ballroom in Inglewood…whoa did I just type Inglewood…well on second thought if you’re white and a fan of porno may I suggest you drop a load in your beloved garage and leave Inglewood alone. There's always next year.
And just when I thought I had heard and seen it all something from under the mattress oozes out and makes me go to the doctor. Get this: Kick Ass Pictures, known for their fetish friendly lines of cream pies, foot worship and racially tolerant DVDS, is putting on a non-porn art exhibit. What the fuck?!? Real art in a porn warehouse, the oxymoron of the year. That’s right no finger paintings of titties, no abstract masterpieces of gaping axe wounds dripping with man chowder, no surrealist impressions of a triple anal. This is true art; boring and pretentious, Mr. Howell’s wet dreams sharing the stage with a 5 Guy Cream Pie. Check it out at www.kickassartshow.com
Speaking of masterpieces of ass there’s a new cunt on the block named Randi Wright. And get this, she fuck and sucks dicks and in her spare time she paints…oh yeah and she’s bipolar and lucky for us she doesn’t take any medication to keep it under control. Which explains why she thinks she’s eighteen. But who cares she’s tattooed, pierced and crazy just the way a porn star should be. You can guess her real age at www.randiwrightxxx.com
And lastly if you’re an ugly fat fuck and the pocket pussy you’ve been fucking is complaining that you don’t listen to her needs anymore, and you plan on being in LA on a Thursday night, make sure to bring your pimply ass to Mondo Video (4328 Melrose Ave. Los Angeles between Vermont and Normandie) so you can get your dick sucked by a absolutely clueless porn star. That’s right you read it correctly even you…yeah you loser, can be part of the extended porn family and be a star in the Midnight Prowl series which is filmed every Thursday around 10PM or whenever the last piece of shit with $69.00 in late fees ducks out and the limo pulls up, right here in good ole’ wholesome as fuck Hollywood. If you want to see these garbage eaters for yourself check out www.midnightprowl.com.
Okay that’s it for me this week you bastards. My higher power has got some shit from the Middle East or Mexico that I need to find serenity in. Later.
Captain Powdernuts
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