Postings for March 2005
PORN STAR DUMPS, PETS, AND A GUY NAMED HEAD
Posted: Thursday, March 17, 2005
Have you ever smoked crack? Man, what a rush!!! Those blacks sure know a good thing when it’s introduced by whitey. I’d love to get into a racial class debate on the sociological structure of the ghetto and the pseudo-philosophical struggle of the African American rapper, but fuck that pussy shit. Crack is for girls. I’ve got a better idea. Let’s discuss disease spreading trailer trash and cum guzzling hookers who fuck for the Lord. And speaking of Satan, this edition of The Hollywood Whore Report is brought to you by the letters M-E-T-H and the number 666 in honor of the artist formerly known as 'Head'. Chop out a huge fluffy line of crystal my friends, cuz here I come.
Now it takes a lot to shock me. I’ve watched and assisted, the larger than life (and larger than most porn chicks out there) Mary Carey squeeze out the most obnoxiously huge bowl circling dump that I’ve ever had the unfortunate pleasure of smelling. I’ve watched my best friends cock and balls get sucked into an industrial vacuum cleaner causing swelling that lasted over a month. (Hey, hey he lost a bet. Relax, faggot) I’ve had a one-armed Mexican hooker throw up half-digested beans all over my lap because I accidentally on purpose choked her with my dick all for a balloon of black tar heroin. Fuck, I’ve had Ron Jeremy’s spooge land on my arm and I didn’t even think twice about it. But, what’s got me all twisted up is poor little Head quitting KORN and dedicating his life to building skateparks for the legions of Christian skaters who don’t have a holy place to do tricks.
What the fuck??? Holy fucking Jesus fucks!!! Let this be a warning to all you nu metal kids out there. If you twist your hair into those goofy looking braids Head has been wearing all these years you too will go fucking nuts and think the Jesus was calling you. Actually it was Jesus that was calling Head because he owed him $600 for an ounce of speed, but because his hair had been pulling on his brain all this time he thought it was the other Jesus. According to Head, God put meth on earth as a sign for the world to wake up…sorry no joke there don’t need one. Next thing you know he’s going to equate the seven strings he played to the seven deadly sins. I can’t wait for the money to run out so Head and Dan Spitz from ANTHRAX can reform STRYPER. If you want to laugh like you’ve never laughed before got to www.headtochrist.com and keep a bucket near by.
Some fucker kills Dimebag and Head goes mental. What’s this world coming too?
I’ll tell you what it’s coming to: A documentary on Porn Stars and their pets. Now beastiality is a no-no in America (why I have no idea), but it all kinda makes sense: The unloved need dumb animals to make them feel like they belong. Prisoners, old people, retards and porn stars all love their pets and the pets love them back unconditionally because animals are almost as clueless as the porn stars that own them. I’ll bet my girlfriend’s implants that there’s some “other” video of a porn star and her pet they didn’t include in the documentary. If you want to order this piece of shit so you can watch Cherry the Turtle take care of his pet Ron the Hedgehog visit www.pornstarpetsthemovie.com.
What the fuck is wrong with Fred Durst? What a fucking pussy. His ball cap is twisted to the other side because some genius hacked into his computer and stole a clip of Fred fucking some hot ass bitch. I don’t know why he’s bitching, everyone knows that camera phones take two inches off your dick. Plus the hypocrite was in a porn called Backstage Sluts 2 “No Ass No Pass” right before he owned a bodyguard. Fuck that right to privacy bullshit, he’s pissed off because that video clip would’ve sold more copies than the last LIMP BIZKIT CD. Be proud Fred at least wasn’t another guy you were fucking and Wes is back to save you from obscurity.
You know what goes together better than heroin and cocaine all cooked up and shot directly into your neck? Actually nothing…but a close second is porn stars and bowling. If you’ve got nothing better to do on May 29th you can join some ball loving whores for a night of ball polishing and pin stroking for the 5th annual (yeah, they’ve had four before this one) Bowling for Scholars benefit. For a few bucks you can drink beer, bowl a few frames and watch a gaggle of cum dumpsters fondle big black balls. For more information check out www.pawfoundation.com
Hey, you know can send me a message here and I’ll let you know where you can send me some money. Well that’s about it bitches. I’ve been up for a week I need a nap.
YOU LIKE ME! YOU REALLY LIKE ME!!
Posted: Tuesday, March 1, 2005
Wow, you like me...you must really like me. Fuckin’ fags! I can’t believe that I’ve been asked back to continue this shit. But here I am, once again, armed and ready with to regale you with tales of rockwhores and cockwhores, garbage eaters and lot lizards, washed up alcoholic actors and fresh meat right off the bus from suburban abattoirs (look it up, retard). Fuck me, talking about turning out some brand new trailer trash hoping to make it big Hollyweird is giving me some wood. I’ve got to jerk off. Open your mouth wide you fuckpig cuz here is comes some mental semen spurting from the nut sac in my head.
I need to get this out before the ‘shrooms kick in. I’m celebrating (as you should too) the recent, and cool as fuck, deaths of Hunter S. Thompson and that Gidget cunt Sandra Dee, and the eleventh anniversary of the untimely passing of Bill Hicks. They were all true American culture sluts and if you’re not consuming some form of mind-altering substance in their name then I suggest you imitate HST right fucking NOW!!! Do it you pansy. Remember the words of the shotgun gonzo tripper himself: “It’s better to be shot from a canon, then to be squeezed from a tube.”
Now I know you can read any of this shit on any of the hundreds of porn news sites, but I’m not trying reinvent the enema, numbnuts, I’m merely passing on the information to you with my own personal spin or spit on it. So before you open your fat mouth…eat me.
So here goes.
The price of meth has gone down for the month of February. And from the looks of things at this year’s FOXE awards the bitches that were trying like fuck to avoid the greasy hands of the desperate fans that braved the monsoon had to be jacked out of their tits on zip to spend one second there. I know I was.
And speaking of skinny, methed out, big nosed, money hungry twats who can’t suck dick if a gun was pointed at their head I can’t wait for one of Paris Hilton’s “friends’ to post HER home phone number on the web so I can call her for a lousy blowjob. Go get her Ashlee.
Here’s a fucking knee-slapper. Every Tuesday at some little dive in Burbank, CA you can hurl insults between dry heaving at a bunch of porn stars as they butcher classics by WARRANT, CINDERELLA and WINGER during Porn Star Karaoke. That’s right, all that cum has sweetened the throats of these jizz- gobbling attention whores and now they want to sing for you. I haven’t actually been there because I never lose bets, but I’m owed a few favors so as soon as I can con someone to witness this car crash I’ll let you know who the fuck thought this was a good idea. So if you’re tired of waiting for the 10 spot to check out the latest Real World episode head on over to Sardos and watch the silicone minstrel show till you puke.
And speaking of pukes my dear friend Rob Dukes is now the singer of EXODUS. My scar-faced buddy is now fronting the legendary masters of the gallop riff. The bastard was sleeping on my couch, snoring like Satan was fucking his ass, and now he’s barking lyrics about bullets and Baphomet. Fuck that penis headed punk in DISTURBED – he ain’t metal. If you want heart stopping, ball liquefying, fast as fuck metal check out www.exodusattack.com and get schooled you nu-metal loving bitch.
I don’t about you but there’s nothing cooler than watching a fucked up video. So keep your eyes peeled for the video (yes, they’re going to release it, and there’s actually a debate raging about it) in which now ex-porn star – I think I’m gonna sing too – current full time high five host and part time Canadian Lara Roxx contracts the virus with a plan. You can see the actual moment of conception and start the countdown from there. I don’t know name of this masterpiece but when I do you’ll be the first to know. If you want to see a healthy Lara Roxx check out these pics www.hardcoregossip.com/lararoxxtgp.html I bet you hate America now, eh sweetheart?
And lastly those fuckers at Kick Ass have put out the greatest new toy since the bong. If you’re pissed off at your chick or you’re a serial killer looking to make history with a cool trademark the Kick Ass Pussy Pump is available now. This little gadget pumps the chick’s gash to giant alien looking meat pie. It’s supposed to make her stretched out pussy all tight again, but who cares about that shit, it swells her beef curtains up to four times its normal size and that’s fucking cool as fuck. You can check out this wonderful toy at www.kickass.com
Well, I’m out of here I’ve got some getting on with the universe shit I’ve got to do.
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