Steve Speaks Postings for May 2007
ALLGERGIES? WHADDYA MEAN ALLERGIES?
Posted: Wednesday, May 23, 2007
I consider myself to be fairly resilient when it comes to my health and general well-being, but for the past few days I've been feeling... for lack of a better word... sick.
now, this could be due to the fact that one of the guys I work with has been sneezing all over the fucking office for the past few days, but I tend not to think in those terms, only because I take SO many vitamins and supplements that I rarely get sick.
It never dawned on me that I might be having an allergy attack until I went outside to walk the dog and started sneezing up a storm. G R E A T. fucking allergies.
OK, so I go to CVS to buy some Claritin-D. Do you know that the Federal Government insists that you fill out a form and supply the store with your drivers license number if you want to buy ANY product containing ephedrine? Jesus H. Christ... I felt like telling the kid behind the counter "Hey Paco, look at my fucking face. I'm sick. I'm not running a meth lab"... then again, he might take my psychosis to be the perfect reason to assume I AM running a meth lab.
Oh well, fuck it. I popped a claritin, and now I can feel my motor function slowly returning to normal...but I'm grogggy as shit... early to bed tonight, boy.
Emotion(s) while posting: exhausted
Posted by stevec
at 7:38 PM
TAKING IT EASY
Posted: Tuesday, May 22, 2007
My life is full of little rituals. From the moment I wake up in the morning at 3:00 to the minute I go to sleep (sometimes not until 11pm... yeah yeah, I know...not healthy), my entire existence is rammed full of little behaviors that help keep me on an even keel.
One thing that I have had to start doing every single morning while I'm preparing my meals and taking my vitamins is to stop and remind myself to 'Take it easy'...and to only worry about today. I have to make a conscious effort NOT to worry about yesterday's mistakes or what might happen tomorrow. I only have today to worry about, and that is all I can handle. One day at a time.
I used to think (foolishly) that I had to keep juggling a bunch of tasks all at once. I believed that if I wasn't going 100mph in 100 directions, that somehow my world (and everyone else's around mine) would collapse. What a load of shit I fed myself. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, I probably did more damage being such a nut than I would have had I just learned to 'Take it easy'... on myself...and on everyone around me. Some lessons are harder to learn than others, I suppose. Sometimes it takes me hearing a room full of people talk about having the exact same problems before it finally dawns on me that I'm not a lone lunatic. I'm not the only person on the planet with these issues. How completely egocentric, right? I mean, really... for the longest time I was putting an IMMENSE amount of pressure on myself (and to an extent I still do) to perform, to make money, to live a certain life, to measure up to a certain standard, and you know what? It's all about insecurity. Shit, I could fill a tanker truck with all of the insecurity I have swimming around in my system. It's all about looking for something external to fill this gaping hole inside of me. The truth is that no amount of money, power, friends, women, or fame is going to validate me. They're all window dressing. The real issue is me being OK with me...Being comfortable in my own skin...Being the best example I can be, and not worrying about what everyone else in the world thinks of me.
I'll be honest, I've had to make some major course corrections in my life recently, and not a single one of them has been easy. They've all been hard as hell. I'm still making them. Every single day, I move a little bit more in a new direction. Some days are easier than others. Some days, it's a struggle. I'll tell you though... I have not been this comfortable in my own skin in a very long time. It's not like I'm running around shouting "holy shit, I'm cured!"...not by a long shot, no. I am however, a lot happier just being me than I have been ... well, ever.
There are some people in my life who think that I'm negating their input by doing what I'm doing. I'm really not. I have a number of people in my life who have been very helpful and supportive. Some more than others, and I need for them to know that while I may not adhere to everything they have to say or take every bit of advice they offer up, it's not that I'm ungrateful. I just know that I have a long journey ahead of me, and I can't rush this. I have a lot of fixing to do.
It's ironic. I used to think I was the big 'fixer'... I was going to be the one to cure YOU of all YOUR personality defects. What a load of shit. I was so messed up in the head that I had no business critiquing anyone else. I have got to spend some serious time fixing me before I even consider sticking my nose into someone else's business.
It's going to be a long journey, but I'll get it done... if I just take it easy.
Emotion(s) while posting: confident
Posted by stevec
at 3:54 AM
SOMETIMES YOU FEEL LIKE A NUT
Posted: Monday, May 7, 2007
...and sometimes you feel like a complete lunatic. It seems that with every passing day, I am allowing the crazy person in my head to get the better of me. I am trying not to, believe me. I am really trying hard to live in the moment, and not reflect on past mistakes or the anxiety of what may come around the bend, but holy shit... it's getting harder and harder not to obsess over things that I have very little control over.
I think it has to do with the fact that I have had to reeducate myself recently (quite dramatically, in fact) regarding how I deal with stressful situations and emotionally unsettling situations. Gone is the quick fix of numbing it all away. Even though it would be a real joy to obliterate some of these problems temporarily with a drink or two, I know that it's not an effective way of dealing with my problems, and it won't ever be an option for me again. I have to find alternate ways to deal with that which I have avoided for so long; emotion.
You see, I grew up in a house where everyone yelled. Don't get me wrong; I'm not about to go into some long tirade about how my upbringing was so fucked up and lament about how hard I had it. I know there are plenty of people who had it worse than I did. I just never knew anything other than screaming and yelling when I was a kid. Naturally, as an adult, I try like hell to avoid conflict at every turn. Well, that's not always an option, and given some of the situations I find myself in these days, it's really not an option. I work in a volatile environment, and my personal life is like one big pyrotechnics display lately. I just want to escape it all, but I can't. It hurts. All the time, it seems. I'm finding myself feeling very guilty for so many of my past actions, and so unsure of how to resolve them...or how my life is going to work out, that the end result is 100% pure, unadulterated stress... stress that I don't think I'm equipped to deal with entirely on my own yet. Thank God for therapy, right?
I know there are people who are depending on me every day for results... for answers... for leadership. Most days, I can handle it just fine, because I take each task as it comes. It's when I let it build up and look at a hundred issues or problems coming at me all at once that I don't know what the hell I'm going to do to fix them. I just want to shut the door, turn off all the lights, and crawl into a corner where no one can find me... just so they'll leave me alone.
A lot of this is fear of the unknown. I know it's a natural aprehension and everyone experiences this a various times of their lives, but I have been going through it a lot lately. There's a few things I'm dealing with right now that I just wish I could pass off to someone else. I don't want this pressure. I don't want this aggrivation. I just want to give it up to someone else and say "HERE! YOU DEAL WITH IT!"... but that's not an option. I've gotten myself into the situation, and only I can get myself out of it. The only thing is that there's no clear-cut easy way to do it. Every resolution to this little predicament is going to be painful and stressful to an extent.
I've done a lot of really stupid, arrogant things in my life and I've made a ton of mistakes. I feel so ashamed for hurting so many people and for making such a mess of things...and the way I used to calm myself down no longer works, because like so many of my old habits, the end result was self-destructive. I feel very alone right now, and I don't like the way this feels. I used to think I was tough. I used to think I could handle all my issues with sheer will and determination. Horseshit. I need help. Lots of it.
I really wish there was a manual for this shit. Oh, I have some books I can read now. They do help a little...and this little venting session is cathartic to an extent. It's not solving anything though. It IS relieving the stress a little, so I guess it's helping a little now that I think of it.
Maybe I'm not so much of a lunatic as I am just like everyone else... a little lost... a little confused... a little lonely... a little unsure.
My sister was always good at talking to about this stuff. Man, I wish she was still around.
Emotion(s) while posting: sad
Posted by stevec
at 8:44 PM
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