Steve Speaks Postings for June 2007
ACK... I'M DOING IT AGAIN.
Posted: Wednesday, June 27, 2007
You know, there are some things I should be doing right now....
I SHOULD be at a meeting. I'm going away to Mohegan Sun for two days starting tomorrow, and I could use the reinforcement.
I SHOULD be sleeping. It's been three days, and I think I've slept nine hours total.
I SHOULD be socializing; making phone calls...connecting with others...acting like a human being, you know? There are people who I haven't connected with (you know who you are), and every time I reach for the phone, someone else calls, or I get sidetracked by another project on the 'to do' list.
But I'm sitting here, in my office (air conditioned, thank God...it's fucking BRUTAL outside), working like a lunatic, trying to make a dent in the never-ending pile o' work.
I'm starting to panic a little about this Mohegan Sun broadcast. We're doing the radio show from 'The Wolf Den' on Friday morning inside the Casino. Fans are going to be there, and the local station (which is INSIDE the casino itself is working with us to do the show). I don't know why, but this happens every time. I've checked, double-checked, and triple-checked every little detail, and I know that I have done my job to the best of my ability, but I'm still going over details in my head like a nut, because no matter how many things I do correctly and agonize over, there could be ONE thing that doesn't go according to plan...and fuck, if it happens to come up on air, It's going to appear as if I didn't do my job, and I'm ALWAYS doing my job.
I'm stressed, but I'm not drinking, so that's a good thing. I'm still making it to the gym every day, so my body's not going to shit, so I'm glad for that. I'm keeping up most of my healthy routines, but I'm sinking back into this one, and it's bothering me.
I'm just frustrated, I guess. The website's getting expensive again. It's becoming more successful, and that's a good thing, but the input is still just covering the output as far as operating cost goes, and that has GOT to change. I'm hoping if I just push myself a little harder to get a few more things done, that I can steer this thing toward profitability.
Bah... I'll stop venting now... my eyes are getting heavy. At least this blogging shit is good for one thing...making me sleepy...
g'nite.
Emotion(s) while posting: frustrated
Posted by stevec
at 9:32 PM
HEAD IN A VICE... BODY IN KNOTS
Posted: Wednesday, June 13, 2007
A very knowlegeable person told me the other day that you develop new allergies every seven years.
Is that true?
Holy shit. If so, I got hit with a whopper this year. My eyes are all puffy, my throat is clogged beyond belief, and I haven't had this much trouble breathing in ages. I rarely get sick because of all the vitamins I take and all the working out I do, so this has GOT to be allergies. Allergies to WHAT? I have NO idea. All I know is that I feel miserable and I have a pile of work to do...getting through it is a struggle because between the Claritin and the Tylenol Severe Congestion, I'm seeing three of everything... yeah, I know... go for the one in the middle.
Also, and this is something I get hit with every so often... I'm getting REALLY BUSY again. The radio show is, to put it bluntly, demanding. This is nothing new...it is what it is. However, when I add on to that this website and updating it every day, PLUS a new project I just took on, well... I'm getting that 'up to my neck' feeling again.
I'm not calling people back... Hell, there's at least six people begging me to go to lunch in the city, and I can't find an hour to make that happen... My cousin just had a new baby boy, and I haven't been to his place to see the kid... and I just got the lecture about returning calls from my father again. Gee, that was fun. People are feeling neglected, and I don't know what to do. I have friends I haven't spoken to in ages, family I barely connect with, and the only constant in my life is this big ass pile of work, and a few meetings every week that keep me on the straight and narrow.
I was doing well for a while there with the 'one day at a time' thing, but I think I took on too much, because I'm drowning again. What I would like to do is bring on some other people to help me do some of this busy work. I need video editors, coders, creative writers, and most of all.. people I can trust (that's usually the hardest component to locate).
I think I should take some time this week to call the people I haven't spoken to in a while and just let them all know that I'm still thinking of them. I'm a shitty friend sometimes. I don't mean to be, because I want to have a social network and support system. I just need to learn how to put down the work for a bit to try and connect with some other humans.
I'll figure it out. I know I will.
By the way, if you're on the list of people I've been forgetting to call back and make plans with... I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I don't want you to think of me as a shit. I'll get this right eventually.
Emotion(s) while posting: depressed
Posted by stevec
at 6:16 PM
MESSED UP...AND (SORT OF) PROUD OF IT
Posted: Sunday, June 3, 2007
You know what the biggest kick is for me lately? It's knowing that no matter how fucked in the head I think I am, no matter how shitty and unforgiveable my behavior has been in the past, no matter how poor my judgement may have been... there are plenty of people who are JUST LIKE ME, and who are willing to admit.
Don't get me wrong; it's not like the existence of similar people absolves me of my past actions or gives me a pass to behave poorly...no, not by a long shot. It DOES, however, remove a lot of the isolation that I used to feel as a result of some of my ... well, let's be very honest... deplorable actions. Now, just because I call them 'deplorable' doesn't mean everyone else will. It's just how I happen to feel a lot of the time about some of the things I have done in my life. The truth is, I have spoken to people, in graphic detail, about some of the mistakes I've made and past errors in judgement, and most, if not all...have laughed and said "Is THAT all? Hell, I've done way worse than that!" Again, it doesn't give me a pass to do it again. It does make me feel a lot less alone than I did. Thank God, too... because I was on one hell of a track.
I've had to adopt a practice of being very honest with people, which some may argue isn't the best policy. I'm not talking about lying pathologically... but you know, sometimes you fail to leave out details when you're sharing a story with someone because you're afraid it might reflect badly on you...that kind of thing. What it does is it gives me nowhere to run if someone doesn't like what I have to say, or who I am. I simply say what I have to say, put it out there, and if someone wants to deal with me, then great. If not, then I can't say "well shit, if only I was more up front". Fuck it. This is me. I'm doing the best I can. Deal. You don't like? Sorry. Oddly enough, my experience has been so far (with one or two exceptions) that most people, if given that choice, WILL DEAL WITH ME. In some cases, it even draws them in closer. Damn. If only I'd known about this honesty shit sooner.
Oh well. It's all about 'Progress, not perfection'...that is what 'they' say.
Emotion(s) while posting: hopeful
Posted by stevec
at 9:46 AM
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