Daily Opie and Anthony Show Updates Postings for May 2008
WHAT DID WE LEARN? THURSDAY, MAY 8, 2008
Posted: Thursday, May 8, 2008
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Today's a 24 hour period I like to call Thursday.
If you missed yesterday's rundown, you'll find it right below today's.
6:00
A Day Of ANT-RAGE!
Anthony starts off the show with a threat... HE NEEDS HIS STUDIO COMPUTER FIXED!
HE NEEDS HIS PALTALK!
Steve C. says he's not even allowed to send emails to the tech department at "the other place" (How stupid is it I can't mention the company name? CBS has a deal with them. Can't they friggin' work together? Gimme a little help here, Hendry!) because they consider the problems the O&A Show have to be unimportant.
Anthony gives them his terms: He wants a new computer with PalTalk and Internet Explorer installed on it. Those are the only 2 programs he needs for the show. If he doesn't get that within a week, he's going to open up the console that contains his computer tower, rip it out of there without disconnecting anything, then he's going to smash the entire thing like a rampaging baboon. Either that or he's going to have Bob Kelly rest one of his nipples on it.
You want this to happen?
Come fix Ant's computer, stupid.
Now the schedule has been moved to TOMORROW... they have one day to fix or replace Ant's computer. Opie wants to give the tower a "tap" with a hammer right now. He does it, and oddly the computer jumps to life and PalTalk runs fine all morning. Go figure.
Stupid Hinckley!
Opie says that New York Daily News columnist David Hinckley needs to find out what the REAL numbers of listeners are on "the other side" of the Opie and Anthony Show. The company knows the real numbers, and that O&A are one of the biggest shows on their service... but nobody is willing to share the information... so Hinckley publishes the very innacurate Arbitron ratings that show a very small percentage of the show's listeners. Very annoying.
Whaddaya Say, Al?
Yay!
Idiot Al Sharpton's "pray in" yesterday didn't go quite as well as he had planned . Anthony credits the NYPD for knowing how to professionally handle things. For the most part, things went peacefully. There wasn't the huge turnout that Sharpton had hoped for, and Opie points out that this may because stupid Al is no Martin Luther King.
Don Imus said three words and there were consequences... what consequences will Sharpton face for TRYING TO SHUT DOWN AN ENTIRE CITY? The boys want ACTION!
Next time I recommend THIS is used to help disperse Sharpton and his fools. Of course, the city would be coated with a layer of crap if Ol' Al ever exploded under this thing.
Opie says the NYPD should've made yesterday "Old Timers' Day" where they bring out guys who know the old methods and techniques crowd control. Maybe they'd even bring out some of the old equipment that's no longer "standard issue". Obviously Op wanted to see a few heads busted.
Goin' at it Old Style in St. Petersberg Russia... Say... those truncheons look a might whippy!
100,000 Dead In A Cyclone?
Myanmar is a disaster area.
The southeast Asian country formerly known as Burma was wallopped on Saturday by a massive cylone that destroyed vast regions and left 1 million people homeless. The paranoid government over there is delaying letting outsiders aid workers in to try to help. Charming.
Does anyone else find it odd that the cyclone hit the same day Bloated Giggle Inducer Bob "Snack-O-Rama" Kelly headed down towards the equator? I knew his girth could affect the tides... but whole weather systems? Scary.
Thanks to WhiskeyWhispers for the pic.
According to Gregg "Opie" Hughes, the fact that third world countries have to deal with things like this keeps them from developing into great nations. He credits the Vikings for finding America and realizing that it's a pretty safe and stable region of the world. The same can be said for the Asians who came here and became what people now call "Native Americans". They knew what they were doing. Today, while some crappy countries have to deal with devastating cyclones and tsunamis, we here in the United States amuse ourselves by playing Grand Theft Auto IV and overeating.
GOD BLESS AMERICA!
The Bull Moose Cankle Consortium?
ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK! ACK!
Go away, bitch.
Opie says that sometime after 9AM, Hillary "I'm So Frigid My Husband Started Banging Fat Ugly Interns" Clinton is going to announce that she's leaving the Democratic party to run as an independent 3rd party candidate in the November election.
Ok then.
6:30
Anthony got VERY worked up over an Instant Feedback sent by "MendozaTheJew". The guy missed the point the boys were making about the cyclone and the aid the US will be sending. Perhaps if he had only sent his name in as "Mendoza" he may have gotten a bit more sympathy from Herr von Cumia.
I'm just sayin'.
He Stinks, and We All Love Him
Yesterday Li'l Jimmy Norton got to meet a few of the guys from Judas Priest, and was hanging out talking with K-Rock DJ Danni, whom he finds very attractive. Afterwards, he was taking the subway back home to Fancytown and noticed a bicyclist standing next to him REEKED of body odor, and Jim got a bit ticked off. When Ol' Cesspits got home he discovered that HE was the source of the foul stench and was quite embarrassed. Ha and Ha.
I bet cute Danni loved hanging out with Norton and his festering underarms.
Double Homey Invasion
Some gentleman was out jogging at 3:30 in the morning through Crown Heights. Wait. WHAT? The next thing he knew there was a gun pressed up against the back of his head. The assailant ordered him to take him to his apartment where he chained the unlucky jogger to a radiator then proceeded to rob him. Afterwards, the guy went down a fire escape and robbed another apartment in the building. Residents in the area are worried because for SOME reason the key that opens the front door to the building also opens 56 OTHER FRONT DOORS in the neighborhood. The link above has video... click it.
What the hell is that all about? Better call a locksmith, people.
Shower Power!
Anthony mentioned that he showers so often at home that his "housemate" Keith The Cop is getting annoyed. It worries me that they're having these spats so early in the relationship.
Two Men/One Shower
Keith's probably tired of constantly cleaning hair out of the drain.
Ok Terrific!
7:00
Club Soda Kenny has a new "Phone Slam" to amuse us all. It's all part of the O&A Show's plan to rip off bit from shows with supposedly higher ratings. SMART! Of course we don't have the clip here for the rundown.
Why would we?
Down Boy!
Scorch is on the phone to promote his latest stunt: He's going to be locked in a Great Dane cage outside some Verizon building to help raise awareness and money to prevent animal neglect and cruelty. Opie wants some sort of edge to the bit, because he thinks it sounds a bit hack.
A BIT hack?
I suggest that Scorch be fitted with one of those shocking dog collars and for a small fee the listeners can put a button to give the old fella a bit of a jolt. Make it happen, Scorch!
Austrian Super Creep
Josef Fritzl, who kept his daughter as a sex prisoner in his basement for 24 while getting her pregnant 8 times, is very pissed that the media is portraying him as a monster. He defends himself by saying that if he had wanted to, he could've done MUCH worse things to her and their children... such as kill them. What a sweetie pie!
Today, the latest thing is that he's blaming the Nazis. That's it. Now Ant will NEVER have Fritzl flown over to help redesign his hidden bunker.
Austrian Father Of The Year with his wife
It's pointed out that Fritzl looks a bit like several old actors, including Cesar Romero and Vincent Price.
Bees Please
Dumber than Vos?
There was a swarm of honeybees living on the Upper East Side of Manhattan that were removed after a professional bee keeper was called in. The bees were described as docile, but that's not good enough for Anthony, who has 2 great fears: falling victim to a home invasion, and BEES. Other fears Anthony has include N's as well as a strong distrust of J's. What's with Ant and the alphabet?
The guys get onto the subject, and discuss encounters and foolish things they've done over the years involving creatures that sting. Pretty damn amusing.
Ant shares a story that he thinks is the root of his bee fear. When he was just a young lad a bee landed on his tummy. He was told that as long as you don't bother the little monster, it wouldn't sting. Well, Ant got stung, and naturally, Little Tony The Weeper cried and cried.
Jimmy, who loves to know about creepy things, talks about Japanese Hornets which will rip the heads off of European honeybees. Those bastards.
Oh dear lord!
Thems things is be monsters!
7:30
Jimmy has himself a list called the Schmidt Sting Pain Index. The guy describes the stings as though he's discussing vintage wines, and Jimmy lists the creatures on the index. Here are a couple with the most powerful stings:
The Pepsis Wasp
Yes, the Goddamned thing eats TARANTULAS! AAAAAHHHHHGG! RUN AWAY!!!
Here is the top of the list... The Bullet Ant
Those people deserve the pain. WHY WOULD THEY DO THAT!?
A bunch of people call up with their bee/hornet/wasp horror stories. The phones are certainly buzzing.
Mrrff err meh!
Painful Memories
The guys recall a bit they did about 2 years ago over at "The Other Place". It involved quite a bit of stinging and pain tolerance. I don't even remember what the prize was besides very swollen junk and nightmares for years to come.
8:00
The guys play audio from "The Super Ball" bit they did, which involved Ant and Jimmy wearing beekeeper outfits and screaming listeners/contestants. Ouch.
Yes, that must be what it is, Ant. CGI all the way.
Classic Audio
Oh, poor fat drunken Orson Welles. How we've laughed at him over the years... and will continue to do so thanks to the wonders of YouTube.
His speech is almost as delayed as Vos' thoughts. Almost.
8:30
Francine is in studio, and she brought Jimmy a card thanking him for recommending her for a new job, which she got. Rumor has it that Francine showed up in NYC today for yesterday's "Pray In". What a surprise. She's sitting on Jimmy's lap, and is probably wondering why it feels like he's carrying a small cucumber in his front pocket.
Cute as anything... ...but dumb like custard.
Talking about her love life, she reveals that she recently read a book called "Why Men Love Bitches", so now she's being mean... and guys are paying more attention to her. She says that she now goes three months with a guy before getting "intimate". Now where's the fun in that?
Well, that's it for today, kids. Have fun.
Remember, for every person who adds me as a friend on MySpace, another disturbing story of the goings on inside of Chateau Cumia will emerge. Please do your part. Thank you.
Hey, Don't Forget!
Would you like to go to the HBO Special Jimmy's hosting?
Jimmy "Fester Pits" Norton
This is from Jim's MySpace:
To get your free pair of tickets to Jim Norton's HBO taping in May, read on...
Dates: Wednesday, May 21 and Thursday, May 22 Venue: Bergen Performing Arts Center (30 North Van Brunt St, Englewood, NJ)
You should be available to be at the venue between 6:45pm and 7:00pm on the day of the show.
The show will end no later than 11:00pm.
Free tickets will be distributed on a first come, first serve basis until all seats are taken. To get your free pair of tickets, email JIMNORTONSHOW@broadwayvideo.com with the following info:
1. Your full name as it appears on your driver's license
2. Which show date you can attend - if there is no preference, you should note this, as it will increase your chances of getting tickets
3. A contact email address
4. A phone number where you can be reached during the day
Please only send ONE email - multiple emails will be deleted. HBO will begin sending out email confirmations the second week of May letting you know if your tickets are confirmed. You should also check your spam box just in case the response from HBO is filtered out. Good luck!
---------------------------------------------- Written by Steve from Bay Shore Other stuff, Joe
Posted: Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
It's Whip 'Em Out Wednesday!
I's tellin' ya! The fish war'd DIS BIG!
6:00
Oh great. Dog faced rabble rouser Al "Attention Whore" Sharpton is going to try to shut down NYC by “scheduling” a day of civil disobedience. Isn’t that EVERY DAY for Sharpton and his followers? Why the hell hasn’t he been arrested yet? Anthony says that this is a TERRORIST THREAT because "Al the A-hole" wants to disrupt the entire city by going to strategic commuter locations in order to interfere with people leaving and entering Manhattan.
GET JOBS YOU IDIOTS.
It’s amazing to most people that Sharpton is allowed to get away with this sort of crap, and he does so by always making it a Black and White racial issue. Most people are too scared to say anything about that bucket of waste because they think they’ll be branded a racist. There’s nothing “racist” about disliking a fraud like Ass Sharpton. He’s seizing upon the acquittal of the three police officers in the Sean Bell shooting case to justify another episode of shameless grandstanding and flapping of the gums. Die already.
Ugly No Matter Which Gender... Wow.
The boys make a good point by saying that even if you never liked Rudy Giuliani, when HE was mayor he would never have given douchebag Al the time of day… and if he did it would be by having officers note the hour Sharpton’s fingerprints were taken after his arrest. IF ONLY!
WHEN will people wake up and start treating Sharpton and his gang of thugs as the charlatans they are? Will this “pray in” go peacefully? We’ll see. At 7 AM this morning all the lights in NYC are expected to dim as the police have a mass taser charging.
Plug 'em in, boys!
6:30
ELO! Two boozehounds?
During the break Opie got what seemed a VERY urgent text message from their XM boss Eric Logan, saying that he needs to meet with them right after the show. The guys panicked, and Op texted him back saying he hopes everything is alright. Wiseass Elo sent a 2nd message saying that he just wanted to hear Anthony flip out over not being able to leave the city early because he had to go to a meeting.
Oh that Elo. Such a kidder.
He’s actually not even in NYC but Chicago. I’m sure the guys appreciate the early morning adrenaline rush, you silly drunkard. “All due respect”, Elo. “All due respect”.
Ground All News Copters!
Down in Philadelphia the cops were chasing a car they thought might contain a couple of suspects from the police murder the other day. It was the third Philly police officer killed this year. A news helicopter caught the action as the cops finally caught up with the car, pulled the suspects out and gave them a good “talking to”.
Perhaps more than that, gentlemen!
THIS incident will probably get Al “Look At Me, Whitey” Sharpton down to Philly to stage another of his so-called “protests”. I think we should refer to them as “Bro-tests” from now on, just to be annoying. Of course, when the White officers are being shot to death by Black criminals ol’ Al is nowhere to be found. It sorta reminds me of a quote from Anthony’s pal made back in 1940 in reference to the head of his air force after their capital was bombed by the British: “Herr Göring is not here, of course. Of course not.” Where are YOU, Al when the S hits the fan? At least ol’ Hermann was a snappy dresser!
Someone calls in and suggest that the next time the police need to “corrrrrrrrrrrect” a suspect they should bring out the bloody “Eight Belles” death tent.
Lannnaagagghhh looonngoooooo!
Wait. What?
Regular show caller Malik calls in to disagree with the boys over their opinions on the police vs the Black community, and a lovely debate ensues. Of course, I won’t write anything about it, because I never comment on racial issues.
Mrrff err meh!
7:00
The Opie and Anthony NEWS FLASH!
• The co-founder of Baskin-Robbins is dead at 90. Show nincompoop Rich “Daaaaaaahhh Pretty Bird!” Vos comments that the famous ice cream company could’ve been named “Robbins-Baskin”, but Mr. Robbins lost the coin toss. Thanks for that bit of information, you oaf.
Pointless SteveFromBayShore trivia: The only concert I clearly remember attending in 1986 was “Big Country” on The Pier in NYC. Ok terrific.
• Barack Obama won in North Carolina, but lost to Hillary “Pork Sow” Clinton in Indiana (which doesn’t matter). “People are saying” that Hillary should get her sagging ass out of the race because there’s almost no chance she can get the Democratic nomination at this point. The loss in NC is equivalent to Hillary breaking both her chubby, husband-revolting cankles.
Bring out the tent!
Mr. Spittle Goes To Washington
Palsy tongued, empty-headed comedian Rich Vos ATTEMPTS to tell us about his trip to The White House. He describes the visit as though he were an excited 8 year old… mongoloid. Rich wasn’t able to visit the West Wing of the White House because the staff had it “doped off” to prevent his entry, but he WAS given a coin by the Secret Service. Poor stupid man. He even went to see the Liberty Bell, which is only slightly older than Rich's act.
Ding Dong! Vos: "There's a strange ringing in my ears".
Too bad it's not the alarm telling us Vos's segment on the show is over for today. Vos’ simplistic tales are on a 2nd grade level AT BEST. Rich... next time you have a story like this, stay home, get out a bowl of pudding, and while smiling into it, tell your story while jumping off the roof.
Vos' "Secret Service Coin" Maybe he should use it to put a downpayment on a clue.
The guys ask Rich if he knows who “Eight Belles” was. Of COURSE he didn’t know, but give the guy a break. Eight Belles was a horse…Vos is only a jackass. They don’t move in the same social circles.
Rich...is that you? Same teeth... hmmmm...
7:30
Club Soda Kenny has the Traffic and Weather!
It’s a report featuring nothing but mayhem and disasters. He reports that yesterday was the 71st anniversary of the Hindenburg disaster in “Lakewood” NJ. Sorry, Flight Booker... but that was LAKEHURST.
Bang!
That Kenny sure is something, but for some strange reason he never fails to amuse me. More Kenny = More Gooder, and possibly even more gooderer.
The Stupid French
An idiotic AirFrance pilot, while in the middle of a flight from the UK to France, decided he was going to show off for a young male passenger in his cockpit. Sounds naughty. The fool almost crashed the plane and had to be ordered by the tower to climb 10,000 feet in order to avoid colliding with another jetliner. When will they learn?
The boy told the pilot to just fly the plane and to keep his hands off the 13 year old’s meat throttle. Rumor has it that upon the (thankfully) safe landing the pilot and crew surrendered to the Germans. I guess old habits die hard. 500 hundred years will pass and the French will still not have gotten the taste of Hitler’s butt from their mouths.
Pathetic.
Picking On a ‘Tard
Because Vos seems to be EXTRA stupid today (is that even possible?) the guys decide to give him a li’l test of general US Government knowledge...
• First question: “How many branches in the US Government?” • Moron’s answer: “Agricultural, Secretary of The Interior, The EXTERIOR, and defense.” Funny, but those don’t sound like SIX as he asserted there were before answering the question.
THIS JUST IN: The White House has just announced that Rich Vos has been named “Secretary Of The Idiocy”.
Vos' new uniform Stay tuned for further details.
• Question: “Who’re the next two people in line if something should happen to the president?”
• Dopey's Answer: No real answer. Vos thought they meant the order in which they stand in line behind the president at a reception.
How does Vos’ underpowered brain have enough strength to remember to tell his body to breathe?
• Question: “What’s the name of the first ten amendments to the Constitution?” • Vos' Answer: No answer at all. It's the Bill Of Rights, Rich. Yuck.
Miraculously, Vos answers CORRECTLY the question of how many US senators there are with “100”.
The test goes on and on, and the only thing concluded is that Rich Vos is an idiot.
8:00
If you can’t get enough of Vos’ spittle filled chatter, he’s appearing at The Brokerage Comedy Club in Bellmore, NY this Friday and Saturday for 2 shows per night. Go check him out. He may be a dolt in the studio, but he’s actually very funny on stage.
I have no idea how that happens, but it does.
Bobby “Spare Chins” Kelly has oinked his gloopy way into the studio. (Blob’s been losing weight rapidly, so we have to get all our fat jokes in while we can.)
Piggy’s back from his whirlwind trip to Guatemala where he ate so much he turned it into a FOURTH world country. Fatty went down there to explore some of the ruins and as many sites from “Apocalypto” as he could. Someone really needs to tell Bobby to avoid getting so close to the equator from now on… the tides and weather were screwed up all over the entire planet because of his trip. Just look at what he did to Myanmar!
Bobby brought back a “relic” from his trip: a supposedly ancient knife he was told is Mayan. It’s much more likely to be a MAYO knife, but there’s no explaining that to Porky.
Quite the treasure you've come back with, Bobby.
Tikal One of the many places Bobby overate.
Here’s an interesting bit of trivia: Blobby never travels to France, and not because the people there are rude, but because the last time he was there they put a harness on him and made him dig for truffles.
Blobbert wants no part of this!
Poor Bob! He had a terribly upset stomach while on the trip. Perhaps he should’ve been clued off before he ate his seventh dinner of the day by the sign that read “All You Can Stomach Buffet”.
On his trip Bobby noticed that many of the Guatemalans had the same roundish face.
That sure is something coming from someone who's been compared to The Death Star in a hat.
Hi Bob!
8:30
Tubbert tells us that he thinks he became ill after drinking soda the natives put ice cubes into. It’s made from the local drinking water and no foreigner can take the bacteria living in the local H2O. He says the real problems began at 2AM while he was in bed, and he awoke to a night of many an eruption.
I bet Bobby got a ton of great pictures to show everyone! No, he didn’t. He was afraid his camera would get stolen, so the only piece of electronic equipment he brought with him was a toaster. This way he could at least eat his suitcase full of Pop Tarts like a fat gentleman.
Breakfast of Chubby Ones
SOMEHOW Bob managed to lose $400 from his money belt. Perhaps one of his fat rolls just absorbed it? It can happen, you know. I think he probably should’ve just tucked his cash away in his myriad of chins. NOBODY would’ve dared to go poking around so close to that maw of death he devours whole suckling pigs with.
It seems that somehow Bobby has given Vos a touch of his stomach troubles. It’s obvious from his slobbery speech that Rich has lost control of his vowels. Ecchhhhhhhhhh.
No wonder CBS pays me crap.
Onto Other Stories!
• American iDull One of the contestants messed up the words to the Bob Dylan composition “Mr. Tambourine Man”. This is so unimportant I refuse to even link this to a news story or clip.
• Rich... just sit there and shut up… please. I’m begging you.
Vos stuns the entire studio with perhaps his dumbest statement of the day: “I found the greatest NEW SHOW... ‘THE Family Guy’. “ Did ya? The man is an imbecile. I’m not kidding. Really. I'm not.
To round off the day, Blobby tells us that he was SUPPOSED to do a show out at “Giggles” in Seattle, but Patrice O’Neal was there last week and now the show has been cancelled. Why do you suppose THAT happened? Perhaps the owner of the club didn’t want to risk a man of Robert Kelly’s “carriage” blubbing around the stage so shortly after Patrice’s engagement. The stage was only framed out in 2x12s and might not be able to take the stress of MooBoy’s tonnage.
That’s all for today, you rotten bastards! Thanks for reading this drivel, and thanks for the nice messages you’ve been leaving my on MySpace letting me know that my inane scribblings are at least enjoyed by SOME people.
Hey, Don't Forget!
Would you like to go to the HBO Special Jimmy's hosting?
Jimmy "Snuggles" Norton
This is from Jim's MySpace:
To get your free pair of tickets to Jim Norton's HBO taping in May, read on...
Dates: Wednesday, May 21 and Thursday, May 22 Venue: Bergen Performing Arts Center (30 North Van Brunt St, Englewood, NJ)
You should be available to be at the venue between 6:45pm and 7:00pm on the day of the show.
The show will end no later than 11:00pm.
Free tickets will be distributed on a first come, first serve basis until all seats are taken. To get your free pair of tickets, email JIMNORTONSHOW@broadwayvideo.com with the following info:
1. Your full name as it appears on your driver's license
2. Which show date you can attend - if there is no preference, you should note this, as it will increase your chances of getting tickets
3. A contact email address
4. A phone number where you can be reached during the day
Please only send ONE email - multiple emails will be deleted. HBO will begin sending out email confirmations the second week of May letting you know if your tickets are confirmed. You should also check your spam box just in case the response from HBO is filtered out. Good luck!
---------------------------------------------- Written by Steve from Bay Shore Other stuff, Joe
Conglomerated Sam, Travisty, Very Tall Than, and Keebler Danny are each wearing a wonderful shirt that was given to Jimmy by his mother... who seems to have no clue as to what size shirt her meaty breasted son actually takes. Danny's shirt looks like it's something from The Borat Collection.
That's interesting, being that Danny himself is a ShapeShifter. Thanks to Erock for the pics.
Greasy Tony
Opie noticed that Anthony seems to be wearing all the same clothes that he had on yesterday. Ant ended up staying in NYC yesterday after the show for a corporate event the guys had to be at around 4 O'clock. He didn't have time to drive his Panzer home to take a nap and change.
When Ant got to the event he was the only guy not dressed nicely... even Op put on big boy clothing. Ant spun it in his head that his outfit was OK, since he's a "personality" and can wear whatever he likes. Right.
Anyway, O&A had to do a "presentation" after a bunch of speakers put the audience to sleep by talking about all sorts of inside crap, as well as gabbing about an artist known as "Duffy" that all the CBS brass were enthused about.
Almost as scary as Amy Winehouse. Come on. I said "almost".
Ant called Dan Mason, the new president of CBS Radio, a douche. The guy had started out in radio at the age of 12 by calling radio stations and winning prizes. Of course, not one to miss an opportunity to get off on the wrong foot, Ant was nice enough to refer to Dan as a "Prize Pig".
He must've been so proud to hear that.
Dan Mason Back when he was a roadie for The Cowsills
Wonderful News!
The Opie and Anthony show has had ANOTHER producer added to their crew by CBS. "Stunt Brain" is now working with them. Yes, that's what he likes to be called. I didn't realize you needed a silly name to get a real job over there.
From now on I want to be known as "Clam Doggy". I'll wait for the phone call telling me I'm hired or that CBS is offering me more money for writing this.
Cough up some cashola!
My rundown writing office could use an overhaul. Waddle doodle-eh!
6:30
Oh Great...
Oil hit a new high of $120 per barrel. Anthony blames China for driving up the demand, and thus the price. Thanks for that, China. We used to be the ones who used up all the resources, now there are other countries who use just as much, if not more. So a few swishy bears puttering around in a Prius won't make any sort of difference.
Fill 'er up!
HACK RADIO ALERT!
Out on Long Island, radio station WBLI did a promo where they sold gas for $1.06 per gallon to the first 106 customers. Can you guess what the frequency of the station is? To counter WBLI's bit, Ant wants to do the ultimate gas promo: 1 Cent per gallon. Let me know what station they'll be doing that at.
Scorch!
Our old pal Scorch has a bit going on up in Manchester NH: he'll be living in a Great Dane cage outside to raise money for animals. Oh great.
Scorch's new studio
This Bull***t Again?
Today is primary day in Indiana and North Carolina. How's that fella Obama doing? He was definately hurt by the whole Rev Wright situation, but he's brought 3.5 million newly registered voters into this election. People seem to want a MAJOR change. Now we just have to see if he's the change they want.
Oh God... Is She Still Here?
Hillary "Clutterbunt" Clinton did her Top Ten list last night on Letterman just days after Bore-ack Obama did his awful version of one, and the boys compare her to poor Eight Belles with her bad ankles.
Snap! Snap! Bang! Poor horsey.
Hillary read off the "top ten reasons Hillary loves America".
Yecccchhhhhhhh.
Just to be mean, Opie decides to play that awful Hillary song again.
Thanks, pal.
Now this is for YOU, Opie.
Wow. A 1932 model.
This could be the very same vacuum that "All The Way Mae" used to clear out her nethers after a big evening with a group of Negro Leaguers.
Aunt Lovers? "Missy Mae, you sho' looks fine!"
7:00
During the break Anthony found a little surprise that Opie left for him in the toilet. How thoughtful! It seems that yesterday Opie ate part of a sandwich left over from his 35 hen cacklefest at his apartment on Saturday.
Op, ya cheap bastard! Buy a new friggin' sandwich!
I guess the flavor brings back memories of Op's old apartment. Charming!
SMOTHERGILL!!! Lingerrrrr Longerrrrrrrr!
Oh, Those Wacky Austrians!
That creep who locked up his daughter for 24 years, repeatedly raped her, and fathered 7 of her children has been revealed to have been planning on locking away his daughter for 5 years before he worked everything out and shoved her into the family basement when she was 18. The guy had installed about 8 doors between his daughter, their kids, and the outside world.
Do you think that maybe the guy had some control issues?
On a positive note, Anthony, who at 73 is the same age as the accused, would like to fly the guy over to Chateau Cumia to help him design a more "secure basement area". We'll have to wait and see if Austrian authorities will allow him to visit Herr von Cumia.
Come on, Ant... ...don't you remember how "Downfall" ended?
Why was she so excited that Roger Clemens had resigned with the Yanks? It sure was an awful year for Clemens since that wonderful soundclip was recorded: the steroid case, and women coming out of the woodwork saying they've had affairs with him. One is even a country singer (Mindy McCready) who claims to have started an affair with Roger when she was only 15. Some people think she's sharing this info just to jump-start her sagging career.
Of all the pathetic things I have ever heard!
Mankind is Doomed
A Yankee fan has been charged with murder after running down a Red Sox fan. Jimcy quickly chimes in with his opinion that it was "muuuuuuuurrrrrderrrrrr". Yeah. We know that, Jimcy. That's why the story started out saying "charged with murder". See how that works?
Anyhow, up in Nashua, NH some guy was at a bar and yelled insults about the Yankees at 43 year old Yvonne Hernandez. This somewhat over-reactive woman waited for him outside then ran him down while she was quite drunk. The dead taunter's sister says she wants Hernandez to stay alive so she can remember her "brother's face hitting the windshield." That's all well and good, but what if the memory of the killing gives Ms Hernandez a nice case of the ol' soppy lap? You never know in this day and age.
A what broad? Mrrfff err meh!
Waahhhh waaaaahhhhh waaaaahhhhhhh!
Menopausal hausfrau Jim Norton wept again yesterday while watching a documentary about four people coming out of their comas. Jimmy was getting all misty eyed. Poor li'l feller! He must weep every morning when Erock awakes from his stupor to find Opie yelling at him for missing a sound clip cue. "All due respect", Erock. "All due respect."
7:40
Are Ya Havin' a Laff?
Just for chuckles Op decides we need to hear the Haitian weather forecast.
Yes, Thanks Arthur. You stoned maniac.
The Ministry Of Magic Would Like To Have A Word...
A teacher is losing his job: He's been accused of wizzrrrrndree. The guy is a substitute teacher who did a 30 second magic trick using a toothpick and now it appears that his job is gone. What? It certainly appears that there are more issues with the guy besides the little sleight of hand routine that have put his career on hold. It's rumored that the jackass hurt his chances of getting his job back by asking for a meeting with Dumbledore.
Click here for video. Mr. Piculas is a little scary.
Do YOU like turtles? I like turtles.
Someone get this puddin' head cloned. I want a copy.
Taunting the cops? Police suspect foul play. Are ya sure?
Here's One About Some Smarties...
The Dare: Hit a camel in the face. At Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, some guy and his friend decided that he really needed to go up to a baby camel and punch it hard in the face. Well, he did it, and after being caught by park security and detained he ran away but was arrested a couple of minutes later trying to escape by car with his friend. The woman driver was charged, as well, and the guy who did the actually hitting has also been charged with violating his parole.
The guys talk a little about the story, and notice that baby camels sort of look like the Cloverfield monster.
Ok... that looks a little creepy... but I'm not going to smack the damn thing.
Here's a full grown specimin... I believe these creatures were put on earth to prove that God has a twisted sense of humor.
8:10
Penn Jillette is in studio and says he watched Jimmy's HBO special and loved it, despite the fact that he rarely watches or enjoys any stand up. Norton got all custard-pantsed over the praise.
Oh dear.
Speaking of things people don't watch, Op tells Penn that he doesn't care to watch Dancing With The Stars, but Penn's appearance on the show almost made him change his mind. Jillette says he practiced 5 hours per day and lost 50 lbs... but the producers still claimed he wasn't "emotionally invested in the show".
What asshats.
Penn talks awhile with the guys, and tells a few things about himself, including the fact that he attended Ringling Brothers Clown College, but never managed to make it into the circus.
It seems to me he's chosen a better path for himself. Yes, it would appear so.
Does Penn know Philippe Petit? Well, sort of. He knew beforehand that Petit was going to do his famous tight rope walk between the Twin Towers, but didn't actually go witness the event.
Penn says this stunt would be much easier now since the area is now ground level. Ouch.
On the subject of the Towers, the guys discuss the fact that we all think we're in greater danger today in this country than we've been in the past, which Penn says is nonsense. He claims we've always been in danger, and points at the losses the US sustained during the Civil War as proof. As far as feeling unsafe on airplanes in this "post 9/11 world", he thinks we're safer up in a plane than buying a coffee at Starbucks. He tells a story about having to make an emergency landing on a plane when one of the instruments seemed to be malfunctioning. Still, he says we're safe in the air, and heightened fears today are nothing more than our perceptions of what we believe to be an increase in danger. See if you can convince Anthony of that before he buys those 50 Howitzers.
8:40
Fake! Phony! Fraud!
Get off my phone, you schifosa!
Hey Penn! How 'bout that Nostradamus? "No way", he says. According to Jillette, it's obviously all BS.
We finish the segment by finding out that much like Anthony, Penn doesn't really believe that "global warming" is going on exactly the way it's being portrayed in the media, and says that Al Gore admits he exaggerated some of the points made in his little film.
Penn & Teller will be on The Late Show with David Letterman this Friday. Check out PennAndTeller.com, as well as "Penn Says: Daily Rants" at www.crackle.com .
That's it for today, kids!
While we're plug whoring...
Don't forget! For every person who adds me as a friend on MySpace, another camel slapper will be shackled and dragged away. Thanks for your concern.
Would you like to go to the HBO Special Jimmy's hosting?
Jimmy "Snuggles" Norton
This is from Jim's MySpace:
To get your free pair of tickets to Jim Norton's HBO taping in May, read on...
Dates: Wednesday, May 21 and Thursday, May 22 Venue: Bergen Performing Arts Center
(30 North Van Brunt St, Englewood, NJ)
You should be available to be at the venue between 6:45pm and 7:00pm on the day of the show. The show will end no later than 11:00pm.
Free tickets will be distributed on a first come, first serve basis until all seats are taken. To get your free pair of tickets, email JIMNORTONSHOW@broadwayvideo.com with the following info:
1. Your full name as it appears on your driver's license
2. Which show date you can attend - if there is no preference, you should note this, as it will increase your chances of getting tickets
3. A contact email address
4. A phone number where you can be reached during the day
Please only send ONE email - multiple emails will be deleted. HBO will begin sending out email confirmations the second week of May letting you know if your tickets are confirmed. You should also check your spam box just in case the response from HBO is filtered out. Good luck!
---------------------------------------------- Written by Steve from Bay Shore Other stuff, Joe
It's Cinco de Mayo, featuring Gregorio, Antonio, and Yeeemee!
Hey! Where the hell's the friggin' piñata?
6:00
It's About Time...
The New York Post finally printed a retraction of the story they put out a couple of weeks ago where they claimed that a sex tape existed featuring Op's lovely fiancée and Bam Margera. Well, this morning "Page Six" admits that NO SUCH TAPE EXISTS and that they were tricked by filthy gossipmongeringwhoredouchebagbucketofpus Chauncé Hayden. Not only is there NO TAPE, but the girl never even MET Margera.
Hayden Kneeling as usual.
Super Car Weekend!
Opie ran into Anthony on Saturday night at FH Riley's during Ant's weekend of cars and guns. Anthony and his li'l buddy Keith The Cop had a Ferrari and a Lamborghini for the weekend, and they each got to try out each one.
Ant decided that a roadtrip was necessary, so he took a trip out to eastern Long Island to visit his mommy. While still in Nassau county, where he lives, he was clocked at 105 MPH getting onto an on-ramp on the Long Island Expressway. It took the cop about 8 minutes to catch up with him and pull him over. Luckily Ant had been out drinking with the officer's brother the night before, and he was able to get out of the ticket. Then he headed out to Suffolk to visit mommy. Going MUCH faster than 105, Ant was stopped by another cop... who said, "I don't even know how fast you were going"! Amazingly, it turns out the guy lives 5 doors down from Ant's mommy... so our speedy pal was told to slow down and was again let go. He pretty much behaved himself the rest of the day. Pretty much.
Ferrari vs Lamborghini
I bet those cars together would cost you over 60 grand.
Perhaps more than that, gentlemen!
This morning Ant had to bring the Ferrari back into the city... and got into Manhattan in 15 minutes from his house. Wow.
180 MPH was the top speed over the weekend. Allegedly. Jimmy is not happy with Ant's exploits. He can't afford to lose such a lucrative meal ticket! And YES, Anthony went to "the range" with HUNDREDS of rounds over the weekend. Him go bang bang A LOT.
Here's a little driving idea for Anthony: Since his "uncle" built that wonderful Autobahn over there, howabout Ant flies over and explores his driving fantasies on a road specifically built for the speeds he likes to zip around at?
Ya friggin' lunatic.
"All due respect".
Now, that looks like a bit of fun. Hey Ant! When are we going?
6:30
AGAIN!? There was ANOTHER home invasion!
A woman in New Jersey was asleep and woke to find a naked man stroking her inner thigh. No, it wasn't someone she knew. The idiot woman had left her sliding glass door unlocked when she went to bed and the creep just walked in.
Lock your door, moron! Get one of these installed, you dolt.
Anthony's personal assistant, Keith The Cop (and his wife) is helping Ant around the house. His wife is giving Ant a lot of help with decorating Chateau Cumia. Keith has even taken to sleeping there and doing Ant's laundry.
That sure is something.
Hey copper! Get to scrubbin' !
One of the neighbors asked Keith "what happened to the man who used to own the house?" That silly goose Keith told the guy that he got the house for $600,000 in a foreclosure auction because the previous owner (Ant) was arrested on child pornography and drug charges.
Fantastic then.
Thanks, pal.
Boxer Shorts and Cuddles
The other day the painters were working at Ant's house when he said out loud he was going upstairs to take a nap. At the same time Keith, who works nights, was standing there in his boxers and said that he was going to do the same. They both went upstairs at the same time for a little nappy... on opposite ends of the house. HOWEVER, the painter's assistant didn't know they weren't going to "nap" together, and asked his boss, "Maricon?" To make matters worse (or better, depending on your sense of humor), when Keith left, he said "Seeya sweetie" to Anthony so the painter's helper could hear him.
Is that a rainbow I see over Chateau Cumia? No WONDER people are suspicious. Ok terrific!
7:00
Talking bag of filth... dandruff included.
RED ALERT! RED ALERT!
Opie says DO NOT got to work in NYC on Wednesday because that odious pile of human waste, Weird Al Sharpton, is calling for a citywide shutdown in protest of the acquittal of the police officers charged in the Sean Bell shooting. Assfaced Al wants his unemployed followers to start their "pray in" at 3PM... the start of rush hour. What a nice guy.
Where is Al when something happens like the following story?
The stalker has been a real problem for Uma and her family and has her and everyone in her life freaked out.
OK, now I'M freaked out...
7:30
Opie had THIRTY FIVE WOMEN in his apartment on Saturday... before they all went to see "Wicked". The ladies had taken a party bus up from Philly and stopped at Op's place for refreshments. It was the first time the women from his girl's family and his own family got together for a henfest. I can only imagine the cackling that went on.
As a result, Opie left NYC and headed out to FH Riley's to hang out with his derelict fans. How bad were things at his place if he chose to come and hang out with the likes of US?
Poor fella Cluck! Cluck! Cluck! Can I get another Mimosa, Gregg? Cluck! Cluck!
Kentucky Derby
That friggin' Hillary!
Who did the presidential candidates bet on?
Obama bet on "Big Brown" (write your own jokes) to show, and witch faced Hillary Clinton bet on the horse that finished 2nd... Eight Belles... who was the only female horse in the race. Hillary's horse had to be destroyed after it broke 2 ankles in the race. I think things would've turned out a lot better for the horse if it had had a set of cankles like thick legged Hillary.
Yeeesh!
Poor horsey
Get out the rolls and light up the grills, boys! We gotta lotta meat we need to cook up!
The guys get into making fun of the poor dead horse. Much mirth is made. Unfunny bitch Lisa calls up from Long Island, complaining that she's totally done with K-Rock because of the dead horse bit. Too bad, Toots!
Jimmy summed it up perfectly: "Bake a pie, Broad!" That's more like it!
Errr... I don't write about that. But look at this link about some famous hits if you want to.
8:15
Dru Boogie is in studio with "The Sounds Of Steve".
ooOoOoOoooOooOoooOOo! It seems that Steve C is walking on sunshine...
or at least sucking on it.
Another great one from, Dru.
The Opie and Anthony Show is proud to present another fan favorite: TASER AUDIO!
Oh, it's a good one. Some fella didn't want to spread his legs to a police officer could frisk him, so he was electronically "encouraged" into cooperating. It certainly changed HIS mind quick.
Much like the Pope giving NY's cardinal a fancy set of golden robes, Jim Norton has gifts for HIS underlings: he's brought a box of shirts given to him by his mother over the years...and he wants the O&A staff to come in wearing them tomorrow. Danny, Than, Sam, and Travis were each presented with one of the treasures.
I'm looking forward to those pictures...
Uh Oh!
Someone or something published a list of what they think are the Sexiest Film Duos. That stupid scene from 9 1/2 Weeks in which Mickey Rourke and Kim Basinger rub food all over each other and eat it while doing their naughty business is, of course, named. Yecchhh.
Keep your mitts off my food, whore.
Another scene was Burt Lancaster and Debora Kerr making love as the tide came in on the beach in the film "From Here To Eternity".
Sex on sandy beach? It's like sticking your junk into a rock tumbler. Not something I recommend.
I'm just sayin'.
That's it. Goodbye.
Remember, for every person who adds me as a friend on MySpace, another delicious Eight Belles burger will be served up to a weeping PETA member. Please do your part. Thank you.
Bob Kelly has been forklifted into the studio in place of Li'l Jimmy Norton who is doing a show tonight in Pittsburgh at the Byham Theater at 8PM.
Another Home Invasion!
This one was on the Upper West Side of NYC. The child of one of the maids who works in the building gave the thugs all the info they needed, so they went in there and did their dirty work. Fantastic. Ant says THIS is why he's arming himself.
Bobby is appalled that Anthony has bought a couple of more guns since the last time Porko oozed his way onto the show. Anthony's also sporting some of that "5.11 Tactical" wear he's been so enthused about, and Keith The Cop makes him show everyone some of the special pockets for Ant's various pieces of weaponry.
The contents of Anthony's right breast pocket.
Opie explains to Bobby that Keith now has his own room in the fortress known as Chateau Cumia, and Bob wants to know the nature of their relationship. Oh, that silly Bobby.
Keith offers a little insight into Life With Anthony... namely the fact that Ant went through THIRTEEN PAIRS OF PANTS in less than a week. Anthony claims those pants ended up in the wash only because he unpacked one of the suitcases he keeps packed at all times in case he needs to dart off on an emergency weekend poo-hah run.
This week's mission? WHO KNOWS?
Anthony explains how Keith's wife has been helping him decorate the once barren mansion. Despite her recommendations of several tastefully proportioned chandeliers for Anthony's front entryway, he's decided on going for a tremendously ostentatious fixture that will throw off megawatts of light, the likes of which have not been seen on this earth since the Nuremberg Rallies.
, so now she's being mean... and guys are paying more attention to her. She says that she now goes three months with a guy before getting "intimate". Now where's the fun in that? 
