Postings for November 2009
GORILLA GOES TO NJ METAL AND HARDCORE FEST
Posted: Monday, November 17, 2003
(It's really amazing that out of every writer we have on staff, the only fella we can get to hit the road for these remote concerts is the one guy who spends most of his time locked in a cage. You'd think he'd be happy as hell to get out of his enclosure so he'd behave himself, right? Nope...never. Every single time we let him out to do one of these... or every time he SNEAKS out, I should say... he picks fights, gets himself arrested, beat up, or maced. His reports are funny though, so we keep letting him do them.)
Gorilla bored on Saturday. Weather getting cold, no one come to zoo. Gorilla pay off guard and take day off. Gorilla go to Asbury Park to see NJ Metal & Hardcore Festival. Gorilla wish Gorilla didn't have to pay guard because now Gorilla have to pay $50 to get inside the Metal Church on the Beach. Gorilla get dizzy, too much death metal. Every room Gorilla walk into, death metal everywhere. Gorilla no like death metal maze.
Gorilla go buy $4 soda. Soda flat. Gorilla smash lady in the face with metal napkin dispenser. Gorilla feel better. Gorilla watch BLEEDING THROUGH from Orange County, California on big stage. Singer talks shit about DANZIG being fat and bald, but singer looks like Danzig. Gorilla think someone playing trick. Gorilla walk around castle of metal. Not a lot of humans here. Gorilla expected more human. Gorilla watch DEICIDE. Singer thinks he's Charles Manson. Gorilla chuckles to self because no one knows raw power of Gorilla. Gorilla can kill any human here. Gorilla see lots of hair everywhere.
Gorilla see Julyia from Fuse TV. Gorilla leering. Gorilla lunge for Julyia's bosom. Big fight starts. Gorilla has to smash body guard in face with metal folding chair. Gorilla look for turnbuckle to eat now.
Gorilla missed a lot of bands because Gorilla doing photo shoot with Mark Weiss. Mark Weiss take pictures of lots of famous humans. Mark Weiss took picture of BON JOVI's Slippery When Wet cover. Gorilla smash Mark's camera and Gorilla gets tossed from hotel room. Gorilla lose all press credentials. Gorilla had to sneak back in. Gorilla see security guard on street. Gorilla smash security guard across the back with metal bike rack. Gorilla take security guards yellow shirt and go back inside club. Gorilla say very cold on beach at night. Gorilla look for The Boss. Gorilla no find E Street.
Gorilla watch TYPE O NEGATIVE. Gorilla like prison yard stage setting. Type O is dressed in bright orange prison jump suits. Lots of cages and gates on the stage. Gorilla has flashbacks of zoo. Gorilla look around for hooker to kill. Gorilla also see band very angry. Type O plays not very long. At end of show, keyboard player smashes keyboard, starts ripping down prison yard stage props and storms off stage. Keyboard player mad. Gorilla like to see human rage. Make Gorilla snicker. Did someone say Snickers? Gorilla hungry again. Gorilla broke. No Snickers for Gorilla. Gorilla need credit card to afford candy bar at metal castle on the beach. Gorilla think Snickers cost $10 because not a lot of humans come to castle on beach. Gorilla watch MOST PRECIOUS BLOOD. Gorilla say they are the new Led Zeppelin. Best thing Gorilla ever see since young girl Gorilla alone in cage late at night, asleep with tranquilizer dart in neck. Gorilla watch CRADLE OF FILTH. Gorilla always mix up Cradle of Filth with DEMON BURGER [That's Dimmu Borgir, actually...but again, he IS a gorilla]. Gorilla don't know why. Gorilla confused. Gorilla watch BIOHAZARD. Gorilla see humans confused. Gorilla go buy $30 T-shirt. Gorilla go in mosh pit for Biohazard. Girl in mosh pit mistakes Gorilla for Teen Wolf. Gorilla get angry.
Gorilla gets caught by security guard stealing boxes of Runts and picking out little bananas. Security guard calls zoo lady. Gorilla get shot in neck with rubber bullet. Gorilla don't remember anymore. Gorilla wake up back in cage covered in human poo.
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