It really sucks spending your life in a goddamn supermarket. The other day, I was hungover, so for fun I assaulted a stock boy with a pricing gun, stripping him naked and tattooing his entire body with those fluorescent stickers. I ended up in jail where a tweaked biker with garbage breath told me about these "kick-ass" guys called CORNERSTONE. (The guy wanted to eat me too, sick bastard, but I managed to convince him that his shit would never look the same again if he did.)
After listening to "Once Upon Our Yesterdays," I take it back. I’d rather spend the rest of my sad, hated existence in the colon of that constipated speed freak than have to endure this GUNS ‘N ROSES tribute act. I’m a talentless idiot whose greatest accomplishment is landing in the food pyramid, and even I could make a more entertaining third album than these European fairies.
Singer Dougie White (Dougie????) is trying so hard to sound like Axl Rose over acoustic guitars on "Some Have Dreams" that if I was a microwaved for a few hours, I might believe it was actually him. If they’re playing a club anytime soon, I hope their band equipment catches fire and the exit’s jammed. Okay, so I’m a disgusting, unwanted side dish with a rotten attitude. I accept that.
If only Dougie put an ounce of that kind of spit-in-your-face energy behind his lyrics, the kind you feel when someone tries shoving you into their geriatric un-dentured mouth, I’d cut them a break. Instead, these songs must have been written for a Disney flick: "If you could see behind the mask / Taste a little spirit from the past / And see what others failed to see / Then you could come and share your dreams with me"
Somebody boil me now, please. No need for LINKIN PARK. I just have to listen to this 80s fog-and-sparklers jokefest a couple times and I’ll be mowing down shoppers with a Tech-9 (the only semi-auto gun my horrible nubby stalks can handle). By the time you hit the live bonus tracks, you’ll be locked and loaded too.
