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BLACK BRICK ROAD
The only good things to come out of Sweden (other than their tasty big-gilled blondes) are Grade A dildos, innovative ass ticklers, excuse-for-fucking massages, and Swedish vibrator experts. So imagine my surprise when I heard this better than average goth-metal band LAKE OF TEARS from the same country where I received the best technique and endurance training a salmon this side of the Atlantic can get.
Let me tell you how it’s paid off. With my hammer up to the hilt in this hot minnow’s tail, I used a Swedish-made souped-up twin-engine "Annihilator" on her other hole (it was a bitch to find). And the sound, let me tell you, all you porn-aspiring fry out there, was similar to the menacing, up-tempo, grunge-infested tracks that make up "Black Brick Road." Slow-going, hardcore, burning, and definitely worth the trip.
There’s nothing better on land or in the sea than ass-virgin starlets named Dorothy who are dying to take it in the rear from Big Dick, even if they don’t know it at the time. The first song on the album "The greymen" has a six-chord chorus that sticks in your head and makes you feel both a little sad and a little angry – same as how you’d feel if Dorothy were your daughter and I was your best friend. It's a tough thing when your daughter's banged by a fish. But don’t worry, dads, Big Dick is always gentle and uses plenty of fish oil lube.
"Making evenings" and a few other tracks on the album are also memorable, and have a SISTERS OF MERCY "Vision Thing" edge to them. Vocalist Daniel Brennare is far easier on the ears than MERCY headman Andrew Eldritch. AND you are still in a good enough mood after listening to "Black Brick Road" to train another ten or so innocent, unsuspecting amateurs. With a long night of wailing and pleasure-filled tears ahead of me, how could I not come back to this CD again?
Call me sentimental, but with each listen, I think of little quivering Dorothy moaning for more and I thank god there’s a place called Sweden, with guys who know how to mix mechanical parts with rubber.
What better way to teach dumb, thin-scaled, fresh-off-the-boat beauties who’s boss?
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