I hate it when a slutty, mealy-mouthed cucumber won’t go down on me, or a bunch of fat retarded shoppers rub their sweaty palms all over my stalks. It’s moments like these that make me want to kill the entire human race with a rare form of hepatitis (where I hang, there are enough dirty Mexican stock boys to do it).
So it’s true, relationships for me are pretty hard. But thank god for a group like DOWN NECK whose self-titled debut captures the many hateful moods of getting screwed over by friends, family, and any gizzed-on produce you might have cared about, not to mention all the SUV moms you wish you could bash in the face with a grocery divider.
Their retro-grunge guitar work, Mike Spagnola’s Cobain-like vocals, and dumb but relatable lyrics such as "Girl you know you’re killing me / You caught me in a good mood / You know I shouldn’t be" helps me feel good about my decision to bang a drooling tomato in her soft spot and kick her onto the floor afterward in front of horrified customers.
You can’t really describe these guys as sounding like any one band, because they sound like a bunch of them on different songs: 311, NIRVANA, VIOLENT FEMMES, THE OFFSPRING . . . the list goes on, and it’s slightly irritating by the last track.
But overall they’re skilled at making decent, unpretentious, emotion-filled songs, so you don’t mind the schizophrenic style of their music so much. Which reminds me, I love whispering to Haldol-popping psychotics when they pass by my display, then watching them tell people about it. These voice-hearing drains on society can really make for a fun and entertaining afternoon.
One reason I like DOWN NECK is that they’re cynical and don’t take themselves too seriously, unlike the preppy young moms I see every night pushing their shit-bag children around in those stupid PlaySchool carts. The song "Stain Me"sums up my feelings about them: "This time you get the hell out of here before I cause another Amber Alert." (I like my version better, so maybe they'll include it on the re-recording of this 2002 release, which is happening according to their website as we speak).
It's funny but DOWN NECK has a way of getting their down syndrome lyrics to work, putting them against memorable, if not ripped-off, riffs. The entire track "Pervert" reminds you of NIRVANA’s "Lake of Fire." You wonder if this is a cover band trying to be original, or whether they can’t hide their influences enough, or just plain don’t give a shit.
Well then, neither do I. I’m tired of people looking at me as though I were responsible for all their mushy green dumps. Most of them could use some e coli in their colons. When I find a way to infect the supermarket masses and watch them die a slow death from explosive diarrhea via webcam, I’ll let ya know.
