SHOW AND TELL
This winter I embarked on my third annual Monster Schlong "Slammin' With The Salmon"
World Tour, heading first to Sea World for some sweet dolphin ass and blue fish rim
jobs. As with all my cross-country bangfests, I made sure everyone in my fresh water
entourage had fat lips and tight sardine boxes. My pimped-out trailer I call the Big
Dick Escalade was equipped with a kickin' Bose sound system, a 10-fish jacuzzi, and
SILVERTIDE's road trip-ready, rock orgy
Show And Tell.
They must have written this one with Big Dick in mind, because the way they combine
their shredding lead guitars, pulse-stopping drums, and high octane lyrics get me up
for some trailer-rockin' one-on-three action like nothing else I've ever heard. It's
pure paradise on I-95, pushing my groupies down on all four fins to "Devil's
Daughter." This album is like finding out that the soft-spoken starfish next door is
a bad-ass suckin' machine. It's a tsunami of adrenaline, the rush you get when a
young tuna climbs onto your rod for the very first time.
While rolling through the South, I do a few gravity hits, play the drug-fuck
masterpiece "Mary Jayne" four or five times in a row, and call whoever's lucky
enough to be taking my rod of gold, Mary Jayne. "Scream my name!" me and star
vocalist Walt Lafty tell her as the cabin fills with smoke. Then I smack MJ with my
diamond-studded tail a few times to give her a little encouragement. (The more bling
you have on when you want her to behave, the better).
"You Want It All" is another anthem I can't hear enough, especially when you have to
put a 4-foot dildo into a pinky-sized hole (and if that's not big enough, you can
always try a gill). "You want it all, little girl," Lafty sings. "I got it, I got
it," I say with the chorus as I slide that baby in. Better lean back, spread it, and
enjoy the ride.
Even slower, ballad-esque tracks like "Nothing Stays," "Heartstrong," and parts of
"Foxhole J.C." keep the wood strong. Then again you don't need romance with a
tubesteak as loving as mine. Hard to believe this is their debut album, but come to
think of it, my first flick "Big Dick Does The Delaware" was a box office smash too.
I am so ready for Sea World (a.k.a. Slut World), thanks to this great new rock
group, I can hardly wait as the Escalade pulls into the lot. This one true Disney of
porn has no equal, with its thousand gallon tank full of captive, sex-starved
wildlife. Wait until they feel my SILVERTIDE all over their faces . . . It'll be two
days of show and tell they'll cherish forever.
