BLAIR'S DEATH SAUCES
I like spicy food. Seriously spicy food. Not just the kind of 'spicy' that makes you reach for a sip of water because you got a little hint of pepper on your tongue, no sir. I'm talking about the kind of spicy that makes your eyes bug out of your head, makes your lips go numb, and makes you question what on earth you were thinking when you made the oh-so-bold decision to chomp down on that last chicken wing.
I'm talking about the kind of spicy that clears your clogged sinuses, raises your heart rate, and makes you sweat from pores you didn't know you had (who knew the bottom of your feet could sweat?). Before you dismiss my affinity for spice as 'stupid macho horseshit', please understand that I truly dig the hot stuff… it just happens to have certain after effects. I can’t be the only person out there who has this love either, because I see specialty hot-wing restaurants all over the New York area.
If you haven’t already stumbled upon it in your local retail outlet or online, I would like to direct your attention to
Blair's Death Sauce, a series of condiments that could very well be the HOTTEST food-related item I have ever consumed.
First off, I have to comment on the packaging and overall layout of the website. Lots of flames and lots of skulls. It’s no secret that I have a thing for skull and flame apparel, so it shouldn’t be huge surprise that the affinity for said design would carry over into food and/or websites. Excellent job with the package, Blair.
I picked up a
Super Six-Pack of
Blair’s Death Sauce in addition to a handful of other flavors, and vowed to try them all within a week. It took a little while longer than I thought, but I got through all of it.
I started with
Jalapeno Death Sauce with Tequila. It’s an xcellent hot sauce for the beginner; Nice and mild, and it’s topped off with blue agave teqila for the seasoned tequila snob (such as myself). I gobbled down some nachos with it…as many as my tiny gullet would hold, that is.
I moved onto
Blair’s Sweet Death Sauce. I had it with my morning egg whites (which I have to shovel in over the course of four hours because I’m always getting up and walking around while I eat), and at first, I was surprised with how sweet it was (reminded me of sweet and sour sauce from a Chinese restaurant), but a split second after it hit my tongue, a nice blast of spicy showed up and reminded me that my taste buds were still working. Considering how bland egg whites are, it was a nice boost.
The next potential fireball to go down the hatch was
Blair’s Original Death Sauce. This is the stuff you want to begin with if you consider yourself a hot sauce aficionado. I guzzled this down in a few bloody mary’s one night, and I have to tell you they were some of the BEST I have had in a while. Good vodka, some lemon, a few olives, and this stuff… THAT is a drink, kids.
I was feeling bold, so I moved onto
After Death Sauce next. I put a few tablespoonfuls of it on a hamburger. I used too much. It didn’t really hit me until I had the whole bite of burger in my mouth for a few seconds, because when I first bit down, I thought “Well, this is pretty spicy, but nothing too…”
Then I got clobbered. The only way I can describe what hit the inside of my mouth and throat is the feeling you get if you happen to bite directly into a habanero pepper.
CRAZY HOT. Damn hot. Seriously hot. I swallowed the mouthful of burger, and the heat headed down to my stomach, where I could have sworn I heard a little voice scream “Jesus Christ, what IS that????” I immediately gabbed the glass of iced tea I had on the counter and slugged down the whole thing. After a few seconds, the numbness in my lips subsided, and I was ready for bite #2. Repeat process.
After that experience, I had to throttle back a little. I cracked open a bottle of their
Salsa De La Muerte; it’s the export version of
Original Death Sauce, and I poured some over some pasta
(So I was being creative…sue me..). Honestly, after tasting onto
After Death Sauce, this went down with NO problem. It’s got slightly more kick to it, because they use 50% more of the habanero chile peppers. I must have splashed a few drops on my hand though, because when I went to rub something out of my eye, I got a nice eyeball full of scorching hot sauce. My eyelid stung for about ten minutes after that. What a genius I am.
Out of sheer curiosity, I put some of the
Mega Death Sauce on my index finger and put it on my tongue.
OUCH. Fucking ouch. This, kids… is the stuff you give to your drunk friends when they pass out on your couch and you can’t get them to wake up. This will send them either running for the door or running for the bathroom to wash off their tongues. Either way, you got the person to wake up. I actually called
Blair, the guy who makes this stuff, and he said that’s exactly why he developed his sauces – to clear out the drunks at the bar he was working at. Who knew he’d develop it into a successful enterprise?
Finally
(and thank GOD, because after this one, I couldn’t handle any more), I got up the courage to try
Possible Side Effects. Just to give you an idea of how much they’re NOT joking when they market this stuff, on the bottle is a cartoon of a guy with glowing eyes and smoke blowing out of his ears. See if you can visualize this: I shook up the bottle, cracked open the top, dipped the TIP of a knife into the sauce…just the tip…maybe half a centimeter. I then carefully tasted the speck of sauce that was on the tip of the knife. Within three seconds and one nervous gulp, I had
FIRE blasting down my throat. I have NO idea what you would use
Possible Side Effects for, other than to take the paint off an old piece of furniture, because it is quite possibly the most pungent hot sauce I have ever consumed. I caution anyone who buys it to use it very sparingly…or as a practical joke. Because, as we all know… watching someone who just poured ketchup all over a burger, not knowing that the bottle was half-full of hot sauce, is one of the funniest things you can watch.
I should also mention that each bottle of
Blair’s Death Sauce is packaged with a cool little skull keychain attached to the neck of the bottle. Considering how much I love skulls and flames, I would consider this a superb little marketing gimmick.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a little container of
Blair’s Death Rain Nitro to sprinkle onto an omlette.
Head on over to
EXTREMEFOOD.com right now, and see how much
YOU can take.
*UPDATE from New Orleans* - It's Sunday February 6th, and I'm in New Orleans for Mardi Gras, and I can confirm that I have spotted
Blair's Death Sauce no less than SIX times between the airport and the hotel. This stuff is all over the place down here.
