CAST THE FIRST STONE
When I'm about to blow a load in the sea, you don't want to be anywhere close to me,
especially not on a nearby beach drinking a cocktail, unless you enjoy 30 foot waves
of salmon junk crashing over your head. After not scrapping one out for a month or
so, the sheer force of it can be terrifying. Sometimes I like to hold young, nubile,
fresh-off-the-boat snappers hostage at the tip and make them beg Mean Daddy Dick for
mouth-destroying mercy. For another kind of in-your-face experience, listen to POINT
BLANK's relentless thrash metal debut called
Cast The First Stone. The only thing
that's missing is an inviting snatch at the end of these eight nerve-numbing tracks.
Like a bad reach-around, this album gets you all riled up and ready to cause some
damage by the third song "You Don't Stand A Chance." You wanna pull pranks like
sicking an eel on an irritating boom mic operator as he's yanking his rod to your
scene while you're trying to concentrate. Vocalist Alan Koeppel's got that
devil-voice which helps you jackhammer a poor innocent catfish until her whiskers
fall off. On this album, Koeppel and drummer Greg Cea put their boots to your skull
and press down from the first song to the last. "Stop your crying and look me in
your face," groans Koeppel in "Silent Treatment," something I often say to my new
starlets. The rage this group feeds off of is pure and electric. Not since I caught
that case of dick warts from a river lizard have I been so angry, and as the theme
of this one goes, I just don't give a fuck. Koeppel and his crew capture the
excitement of dropping a horseshoe crab into a garbage disposal, or blowing a wad
straight into an anchovy's open eye.
If that seems a little harsh, try doing a double-penetration scene with a 35-year
old blue who thinks she's the next Big Dickaholic. You'll want to flick her eye out
with a gutting knife and use that hole for some triple-deep action. I mean, there
are so many frustrations in this industry, I'm sure similar to the ones that a
scrappy, mostly unknown metal band have to deal with.
As a new act with a great version of "Devil Went Down To Georgia", I hope they get
their work out as much as possible, over the net and otherwise. It's the same as I
had to do when I was starting out, distributing my amateur handheld-cam films for
free, and showing off what I could do to potential goers down by the docks.
Until the world met my clam-shredding member, everyone thought
Jaws was scariest
fish around.
