TEMPO OF THE DAMNED
I thought I was an angry green fuck, spending my summers growing up in vegi-lante camp where we mowed down pussy Macintosh apples with an AK-47, but THEN I heard the once-great, thrash metal band called EXODUS re-do the "Starspangled Banner" and realized, humans will always be more fucked in the head than any kind of rotting, bloodthirsty piece of produce. You can’t beat a line like "God shit his grace on me" or a song called "Culling The Herd" where gargoyle-voiced Steve Sousa hisses, "some people should be sterilized / their tubes are only fit to be tied."
Plenty of genetically altered freaks of the field cross my aisle during the course of a day, so when I see celery with a cock-stalk the size of a cashier’s arm, I agree with Steve’s proposed solution. Blend them all on the slowest speed possible!!!! Mostly, the album’s stuck on repeat, with the same electric guitar riffs running through the first nine songs. It’s only on the last one, the title track, where there’s some halfway decent solo work by Rick Hunolt and Gary Holt. (Guess I’m not one to talk, since the best solo work I’ve done is raping a kiwi with a brown, withered snow pea until she squirts green juice and seeds all over my bulbous head).
Tempo of the Damned is the sixth studio album from these human race-hating fiends, who lost their lead vocalist Paul Baloff in early 2002. This cooze they replaced him with sounds like a cross between AC/DC and the bald, twisted midget "my precious" from
Lord Of The Rings, AND surprisingly similar to the sound that the bloated check-out whore made when I blinded her by shoving her fat face down against the laser scanner. Price came up as 50 cents which is how much you’d get per pound of her pork in the meat section.
As she was running around, knocking over displays, I ran after her yelling, "You’re cruci-fucked!" from the track "Shroud Of Urine" whose title inspired me to bathe her in my beer-tainted mossy piss. Then I got to thinking I should go to church more often. There’s no shortage of religion-lovin’ one-liners in this crate of jagged stalk-banging metal. One of my new favorite slogans is from "War Is My Sheperd" and it goes: "You put your faith in Christianity / I put mine in artillery."
EXODUS makes most aspiring thrash bands look like
The Partridge Family, which is great because they bring me back to my broccoli militia training days. Soon enough, me, Sousa, and the EXODUS gang will be coming to a city near you to hunt down fat chicks in supermarkets.
